


How to Stop Surviving and Start Living

by Bionerd2Point0



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe - BDSM, Alternate Universe - No Capes, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, BDSM AU, Bondage, Collars, Consent Issues, Dom Dick Grayson, Domestic Discipline, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kink Negotiation, M/M, Miscommunication, Multi, No Sex, Past Abuse, Past Human Trafficking, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Praise Kink, Sexism, Slow Burn, Sub Jason Todd, Subdrop, Subspace, Tags May Change, Unreliable Narrator, again for the folks in the back, burn - Freeform, domestic bdsm, pain play, slow, so many kinks...
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-15 08:14:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29310936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bionerd2Point0/pseuds/Bionerd2Point0
Summary: Jason sat back in his chair, arms crossed against his chest, eyes closed.He was waiting.It seemed like so much of his life had been spent waiting. Waiting for Willis to get drunk enough that yelling wasn't adequate. Waiting for him to get out of prison so that they could afford heat. Waiting for his mom to feel better. Waiting for the right opportunity to steal his next meal. Waiting for the traffickers to sell him to his next dom.There was a big chunk in the middle there where he was waiting to die.The real question was: what was he supposed to do now that he couldlive?
Relationships: Dick Grayson/Jason Todd
Comments: 109
Kudos: 228
Collections: DickJay Week 2021





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Mokusatsu](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12227904) by [shadesfalcon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadesfalcon/pseuds/shadesfalcon). 



> Hi folks! Welcome to yet another elaborate AU! XD
> 
> Firstly, I would like to give a HUGE thank-you to txbookeater, who has been an absolutely AMAZING beta!!! They have been tearing this thing apart and helping me glue it together better, and I am so much happier with it now than I was last month. XD We're still working on editing, so my posting schedule is going to be "as we finish editing" which is to say not at all on a schedule. 
> 
> My stubbornness outweighed my perfectionism, so for the first time ever I'm posting a true WIP. Everything through chapter 6 has at least been drafted, and based on my outline I'll guestimate that this will be 10 chapters and about 50k (no promises on that, though).
> 
> This fic deals with some really heavy themes, and I'll be giving detailed warnings at the start of every chapter, but please let me know if you have any concerns/would like information about potential triggers. My DM's are always open on Tumblr!
> 
> No major warnings for this chapter (beyond the general tags), and I hope you enjoy!

Jason sat back in his chair, arms crossed against his chest, eyes closed. 

He was waiting. 

It seemed like so much of his life had been spent waiting. Waiting for Willis to get drunk enough that yelling wasn't adequate. Waiting for him to get out of prison so that they could afford heat. Waiting for his mom to feel better. Waiting for the right opportunity to steal his next meal. Waiting for the traffickers to sell him to his next dom. 

There was a big chunk in the middle there where he was waiting to die. 

Suffice it to say, Jason was very good at waiting. That didn't make it any less boring, however. 

A soft scrape alerted him to someone at the door a second before a courtesy knock echoed on the dull metal. He opened his eyes just in time to watch the heavy door open and two men walk in. 

"Hey, Jason. Sorry I'm late. Do you need anything to drink?" Special Agent Timothy Drake asked, pulling out one of the chairs on the other side of the table, but not yet sitting down.

Tim was the only thing standing between Jason and the harsh chemicals he needed to burn through the dynamic part of his brain and render him null. Well, that, and he'd need to be deemed mentally sound by a psychologist specializing in submissive health, which wouldn't have happened five years ago, let alone today. 

Tim was also the only person on the face of the planet that Jason felt even an inkling of trust for, which helped ease the sting of today's meeting. Not that Jason was going to make it easy for him.

Wincing at Jason's raised eyebrow, Tim cleared his throat and hurried through his introductions. "Dick, this is Jason. Jason, this is Detective Dick Grayson. We were neighbors growing up, and I've known him for most of my life." Tim paused to let the weight of his next sentence be felt. "He is the only person I would trust with you."

Jason nodded slowly. "And if I decide no?"

"Then you're a ward of the state and we start you on a supplement. Try to see if you can self-drop safely."

Which was really the kicker. Jason  _ could _ self-drop. Anyone who’d experienced what he had would be able to. He just couldn't come back  _ up _ on his own.

"Right." He turned to Dick, eyeing the dom. He looked nice enough, but Jason had learned long ago to never trust someone for their looks. "I want to see your contract. What you expect if you're my guardian."

Dick's hands went up like he was trying to prove he wasn't armed. "No expectations. We can set up standing orders if that’s what you want, but I’m really just here to help. Kind of like roommates. I… haven’t really done anything like this before. I know Tim told you that I’ve only done emergency seventy-two-hour guardianships, but I think we can make it work. You can do your thing, and I’ll help you go down and come back up safely whenever you need. If I need to dom outside of that, I have plenty of friends I scene with, or I can go to a clinic.”

There was nothing on planet Earth that could stop Jason from rolling his eyes at that steaming pile of bullshit. ‘No expectations’ his  _ ass. _ Jason knew better than to trust doms with a blank canvas. They’d take and take and he didn’t have much left to give. 

Tim was smiling so earnestly though, so eager for this to work out. Jason could at least attempt to not chase off his one chance from the get-go. 

He took a deep breath and consciously met Dick’s gaze. "Listen,  _ Dick. _ I appreciate the sentiment, but that's not what I meant. Whatever you're into, that's going to be your gut reaction to anything that comes up in a scene. If your likes and dislikes don't match up with mine, I won't scene with you—good intentions or not." 

"Oh." Dick blinked, clearly not having thought of that. "Okay, uh, I can pull it up on my phone for you?"

Jason nodded sharply, not admitting that he'd never actually touched a smartphone before. He knew how they worked. Kind of. He'd seen various handlers using them, at least. 

Dick tapped away at his phone, then held it out for Jason. 

It was a standard yes/maybe/no list, and after a moment of panic trying to figure out if he should swipe or scroll, Jason started working his way through the list of sexual and non-sexual kinks. It was surprisingly tame compared to what he’d come to expect as normal. Most of the areas that Jason had always hated are marked with firm 'no's, and some of the things he'd even consider tolerating again were off Dick's list. 

The dom in question had been fidgeting more and more the longer Jason read without reaction, and finally broke the silence with, "I'm a service dom. Top. Whatever. I like knowing my scene partners are enjoying themselves, and am willing to try just about anything once. I've got a pretty big praise kink, so you can expect that no matter what we do, and I've done domestic scening before so I'm familiar with keeping it out of the bedroom. A lot of my regular scene partners are platonic friends." 

Jason nodded silently, handing the phone back. He’d never heard of a dom actually having a praise kink before. Or describe themselves as a service top. It just wasn't real. It was something old women read about in those trashy romance novels, that kind of thing. 

He wasn’t sure if Dick was just lying to save face in front of Tim, or if he really didn’t care about those lines between fantasy and reality. His money was on Dick needing a sub around for some reason, and this just happened to be a free opportunity.

"So…" Dick trailed off and cleared his throat. "Do I pass? I'd like to see your contract too, before we actually agree to anything."

Shrugging, Jason fought and lost the battle to keep his face from flushing. Tim had given him a basic contract to fill out as soon as he realized that Jason didn't have one, but he was pretty sure Tim overestimated his ability to actually understand how to fill it out. 

"Yeah." He eventually settled on. "Tim can give you my contract. I might revise it later, though." 

Dick agreed easily enough, but Jason was pretty sure that revisions weren't normal. Maybe. That was something he'd have to look up. Eventually. 

A silence settled over them, and Tim took the initiative to break through before it got awkward. "Alright! I can give Dick your contract, and we can all meet tomorrow for further negotiation?" 

"That works for me." Dick sent him a bright smile, and Jason nodded back, lips pressed together tightly. 

Later, after Dick had left, Tim walked with him to the private room Jason had been assigned shortly after he'd arrived. 

"Dick is… not the cleanest person. Tends to leave laundry until he has nothing left to wear, dishes all over the place, that kind of thing. Not actually dirty though! Just cluttered. And he's an excellent detective. Really good at understanding people and listening to what they say. He can find common ground with anyone, and is a big supporter of sub rights. I think you'll get along with him. Be a good balance and—"

"Tim?" Jason cut him off, more than a little exhausted and not really willing to listen to him ramble anymore. "I get it. And it will either work, or it won't, but you don't have to talk him up to me."

"Oh." Tim rubbed the back of his neck. "Sorry. I just… I want you to be comfortable with it. I know you're… well."

"I know." Jason snorted, coming to a stop outside his door. "I appreciate it, but I haven't been comfortable in years. A few more weeks won't kill me. At this point, I'm just tired."

"Okay." Tim stepped back as Jason opened his door. "You get some rest, and I'll see you in the morning."

"Bye, Tim." Jason waved as Tim made his way back down the hall, then closed his door with a firm click. 

The room was pretty bare. Twin sized bed, nightstand, and desk all bolted to the floor, a small set of plastic drawers that housed his clothes, and a door that led to a tiny bathroom with a shower pod and no tub. 

Tim was always so optimistic, but some days it felt like Jason had just traded one prison for another.

* * *

Jason sat in the back of a government-issued SUV, wondering what the fuck had happened in his life to lead to this. He knew what had happened, objectively. Tim had befriended him during the two weeks the switch had spent undercover as a trafficking victim, and wanted to personally ensure Jason’s safety now that they were out. It was just that the whole situation was surreal.

Negotiating guardianship with Dick had been a fucking trip and involved phrases like ‘no sex unless you absolutely need it to get into subspace’ and ‘you’ll be free to do anything you want.’ The dom seriously had thought there would be no expectations at all, but Jason knew better. His mom had been a switch and even she had known better. 

If you had any choice at all, the contract had to be as detailed as possible, because anything not included in the guardianship contract was free game. A dom broke their sub’s ribs? Well, the sub hadn’t said they didn’t want that, and their personal contract said they liked a bit of pain. Not the dom’s fault the sub was a brat.

That was one of the only lessons his mom had really taken the time to teach him after his dynamic started showing, and her constantly drilling it into him was the only reason he’d been able to look Dick in the eye as they laid out the ground rules. Jason was in charge of laundry and dishes, and Dick was not allowed to dom him outside of pre-agreed upon scenes. The only thing he could be punished for was behavior that could harm himself or others, and his safeword would end any and all physical contact and dynamic play. 

The safeword part had been a little weird, and Jason still wasn’t sure how it was supposed to work. He’d made one up on the spot when filling out the contract, but in his experience, taking a break during a scene just made it even worse when they started back up again.

His thoughts kept racing as they pulled up to an apartment complex with six units. It was nicer than anything he’d lived in before. New in a way he wasn’t used to seeing in Gotham. At least, he thought this was Gotham. Wayne might have some skyscrapers in other cities now, though, so he’d probably need to figure that out soon.

“Jason!” Dick called, waving as he walked out of one of the doors of the small complex, clearly having been waiting on him.

Jason shouldered his backpack and opened the door, lifting his hand halfway in greeting with a tight smile.

“Glad to see you got here safe. Anything I can grab?”

The question stumped him for a moment, because what else could there possibly be? The only thing he owned was literally his name. Everything in the backpack was a care gift from the oh-so-benevolent government, and he strongly suspected that even that was something Tim had to fight for on his behalf.

“Detective Grayson?” The driver saved Jason from having to answer, holding out a binder for Dick. “Here’s all the paperwork you’ll need. Let us know if you have any questions or problems. We’ll be in contact in three months for an update.”

“Cool.” Dick accepted the binder gracefully. “Thanks, I’ll talk to you guys then!”

They watched the SUV pull away from the curb, then Dick gestured to the front door. “Ready for the grand tour?”

“Sure.” Hitching the bag a bit higher on his shoulder, Jason followed the dom through the front door. The front door which didn’t lead to an apartment, and instead revealed a narrow staircase with a single door at the top.

Pointing to a subtle box on the wall, Dick said, “I keep the front door alarmed since it’s on the ground level, but the passcode is 1-9-4-0 if I’m ever not around. There’s a little notebook in your room with the passcode, my cell number, and my work number in case you ever need them, but I’ll show you where it is in a bit.”

It was a little awkward, following Dick up the stairs. Jason wasn’t used to this kind of rambling talkative-ness, especially from a dom. He wasn’t quite sure how to respond, or if he should even try. Even so, Dick seemed quite content to talk into the void as he opened the door into the main apartment.

“Kitchen is to your right, and this is obviously the living room-slash-dining room,” Dick said, kicking his shoes off to the side while gesturing to the room in front of them. He crossed the living room to the entrance of a short T-shaped hallway, gesturing for Jason to follow as he pointed out doors. “That door there is the half bath, and my room is on the left. Feel free to knock if you need anything, although I tend to be a heavy sleeper.” 

He led them across the space, and Jason couldn’t help but side-eye the clutter that was… everywhere. His skin was already crawling at the mess that seemed to cover every available surface. Maybe Dick really did need a sub to help him on the daily.

“And this,” Dick opened the door down the right side of that tiny hallway, “is your room. It’s your space to do with as you please—although I will request no structural damage—and I promise I won’t come in without your explicit permission.”

The room was pretty big. Bigger than the studio apartment he’d lived in with his mom, but not as big as the holding room he’d shared with fifteen other subs held by the traffickers. It was clean and white and blank, and he could see a small bathroom through one of the two open doors, the other being a closet. There was a queen-sized bed and a nightstand with a lamp, and the idea that it was all his was… tempting. 

He hadn’t earned it, had done literally nothing to show Dick that he could be a good sub, but that just meant Dick was going to expect good behavior and by god, Jason was going to do his damndest to meet that expectation. 

He’d fail, of course he would. Jason was nothing if not a fuckup, but he’d try and hope that was enough.

“The notebook I mentioned is in the nightstand, along with a new collar that has all of my information. I know the standard-issue ones can be pretty uncomfortable, so you don’t have to wear it unless you leave the apartment.”

Jason swallowed, feeling the thick band pressing against his throat. It was a step above a dog collar, and truthfully he hadn’t even thought about it since the agents fit him with it after they pulled him out of the brothel. All subs were legally required to wear a collar with their doms’ contact information on it, just in case something happened and their guardian was needed.

“I figure you can help pick the decor for your room once you’re a bit more settled. If the bag is all you have, we’ll probably need to get you some new clothes and things too.” Dick put his hands on his hips and looked around the room before nodding, satisfied. “Any questions?”

This seemed like the first time Jason was really expected to answer, so he cleared his throat a little and shook his head. “No. I’m good.”

“Okay, well, feel free to ask if anything comes up, okay?”

“Yeah.” Jason wasn’t sure what to do next, what would be expected of him, so he tried to stop fidgeting with his bag and let the silence settle.

“Alright. Well, uh, I’m gonna go see what options we have for dinner. You just settle in, okay?” 

Dick was gone before Jason could really reply, and he felt himself sag in relief. If Dick was always this talkative and optimistic, he wasn’t entirely sure how he was going to survive.

* * *

The next day proved to be quiet. Like, he-could-hear-his-own-heartbeat, silent. 

Dick was at work for the day, where he’d be until roughly six that evening, leaving Jason with the apartment to himself. He threw on the standard grey sweats and white t-shirt that made up his entire wardrobe and tried to imagine what his closet might look like once all the clothes Dick had ordered for him come in. They’d spent the better part of last night digging through the web to find and buy everything that Jason might need—which felt a little ridiculous. He really didn’t need more than he had, but Dick was very insistent and Jason knew better than to try and say no.

For now, he had grey sweats and white t-shirts. A brand new toothbrush and tube of toothpaste sat on the bathroom counter for him, and the mint flavor was intense and refreshing, definitely something he could get used to.

Leaving his room was a bit of a battle, his every instinct demanding that he stay out of his dom’s personal space, stay out of the way. Dick was gone, though, and he’d promised to do the dishes and laundry, which required him to venture into the disaster area of the living room. 

Clothes were strewn everywhere, and papers and boxes haphazardly rested on almost every surface. Dirty dishes, thankfully, seemed to be mostly contained in the kitchen, with the exception of a few coffee mugs. It was more than a bit overwhelming. 

He opted to start with the laundry, because that would take the most time and had the most obvious destination. The laundry unit in the closet next to the half-bath was easy to figure out, having had to make regular trips to the laundromat growing up. None of the tags on Dick’s clothes specified that they needed to be dry cleaned, so he dumped the first load in, added soap, and let the machine handle the rest. He also realized that the common theme seemed to be sleepwear, which made him wonder just how often Dick slept on the couch in his own apartment. 

Dishes were next, and more time consuming because Dick’s dishwasher was a bit too complex for him to figure out without having someone nearby to confirm he wasn’t going to flood the kitchen, so he tackled the task by hand. It was well into the afternoon by the time he finished figuring out where everything went, and his stomach was tying itself in knots because Dick hadn’t actually given him permission to eat anything and he’d grown spoiled eating on the FBI’s dime. 

He pushed the discomfort aside and instead started working on the rest of the… crap, that was scattered about the living room. A lot of it ended up in the trash, clearly not something Dick had planned on saving (wadded up papers and used napkins and magazines falling apart shoved under the couch), but he still ended up making a few different piles on the table. Mail, newspapers and magazines, manila folders and papers that he was pretty damn sure were case files, and everything else.

The apartment was nowhere near clean by the time he was finished, but you could see the floor and use the coffee table, and that alone was a huge improvement.

A glance at the clock on the oven sent a bolt of panic running through him, because it was already almost six and Dick hadn’t said whether he expected Jason to cook or not. The decision was taken from him as he heard the door at the bottom of the stairs bang closed, and Jason rushed to kneel in front of the door, putting all of his posture lessons to the test in desperate hope that Dick wouldn’t be disappointed. Shoulders down, knees spread, hands resting palm-up on his thighs, he kept his chin tucked even when the door swung open, forcing himself to relax and show deference to his dom.

“Hey, Jason! I’m— _ holy shit!” _ Dick cut off his greeting call as he got a good look at the room. 

Jason’s skin prickled with the weight of Dick’s stare, but he resolutely did not look up. After another moment of stunned silence, he leaned forward until his forehead rested against the floor and softly said, “Sir,” in greeting.

Dick let out a strangled noise. “Jay… sit… uh. You can sit up, Jason.” Dick cleared his throat as Jason returned to his original position, head still ducked down. “Look at me?”

Looking up through his lashes, Jason raised his gaze to Dick’s chin and did his best to maintain the position.

“Okay, nope! Up! Stand up, at ease, whatever. This is, wow. This is wow.” 

More than a little confused, Jason pushed himself up, standing with his feet a shoulder’s width apart, and tried to figure out what was wrong. Dick was looking at him with such a mix of emotion he couldn’t tell if it was wonder, arousal, or horror.

“Alright, don’t freak out, but I’m going to touch you,” Dick said, closing the distance between them.

His anxiety instantly ramped up and he went tense as Dick’s fingers brushed against his shoulders and down his arms and around to his back and and and… And Dick pulled him into a hug? 

Jason took short, shallow breaths, trying to move as little as humanly possible, but Dick didn’t seem to care as he combed his fingers through Jason’s hair and tugged until he gave in and rested his forehead against Dick’s shoulder.

“There we go,” Dick murmured. “Deep breaths, okay?”

Jason sucked in a deep, shuddering breath and tried to calm his racing heart.

“Nothing bad is going to happen, really. You’re  _ so _ good. Look at how much you’ve done today! I don’t think I’ve seen that side table in weeks. And the kitchen! I can’t believe how much you got done. Thank you so much for helping. You’re such a hard worker.”

The tension leached out of Jason’s shoulders without his permission, and he found himself relaxing under the reassurance. 

“There we go. Now, what are you worried about? Even if you turned all my white shirts pink in the wash, nothing bad can outweigh how much good you’ve already done.”

Jason swallowed down the urge to snort, because if he’d really ruined all of Dick’s work shirts, he was pretty sure there’d be hell to pay. Not making dinner was barely an issue in comparison. “Dinner. I wasn’t sure… I don’t know how to cook.”

It was a bit of a generalization. He knew how to heat up soup from a can and boil potatoes—simple things like that—but it was better to be honest now while things were new, than later, when Dick might order him to make something. 

Surprisingly enough, Dick huffed a laugh and let him go, pulling back until he was out of Jason’s personal space. “You and me both, man. I survive on takeout, frozen meals, and whatever my, uh, grandfather stocks the fridge with when he visits.”

“Oh.” Jason blinked. That was… not the reaction he’d been expecting. 

“Yeah, so, don’t worry about it. If you really want to learn to cook, there’s always the Food Network?” Dick gestured to the TV, then rubbed the back of his neck. “And YouTube? I honestly don’t really know how most people learn to cook, so that’s about all I can offer.”

“No, that’s, that’s more than enough.” There was an entire network on TV dedicated to food? Dick seemed to be implying that Jason was allowed to turn it on during the day, so he’d have to try to find it.

“Okay, well, what are you in the mood for?” Dick let the topic go easily enough, walking into the kitchen proper and opened up the freezer. “I have a few boxed dinners, but Al made some lasagna that just needs to get heated up in the oven, and that always has the best leftovers too.”

Jason didn’t know who ‘Al’ was, but given the context he hesitantly marked the name down as Dick’s grandfather. He’d have to confirm that later.

Dick looked back expectantly, and Jason was struck with the startling realization that it had been an honest question. He should have guessed as much, given how frequently Dick asked for his opinion, but the habit of waiting silently was a difficult one to break. 

“I don’t mind. I don’t think I have any food preferences.” Jason really just liked food. He didn’t care much what form or flavor it came in. 

The mental images of runny gruel and green paste quickly make him rephrase that thought. He trusted that Dick wouldn’t pick something purposefully disgusting for a dinner given that they’d probably eat together. How creative Dick could get with punishments was a question that would be answered later.

Dick took a long look at Jason, then nodded sharply. “Lasagna it is. Let me know if there’s ever anything you like or dislike, and if you decide to try cooking and need ingredients, there’s a notepad on the fridge that I use as a grocery list.” 

Jason glanced over, locating the little pad of paper stuck to the fridge and the chicken scratch scribbled across the top two lines. By the time he looked back, Dick had moved to the oven to start prepping for dinner, so he quietly exited the kitchen. He’d stay close, in case Dick needed him, but doms rarely liked having a sub underfoot without a purpose, and Jason was nothing if not a sub without purpose.

He sat on the couch, hands folded carefully on his lap, and did his best not to fidget. He wasn’t sure how to act around Dick, now. 

Before, at the brothel with Tim, Jason hadn’t been  _ his _ sub and it had been easier to talk. Easier to lay out the terms and conditions Jason needed in order to be willing to give it a try. Now? Dick was his dom, but pretty consistently didn’t demand the things Jason had come to expect from his doms. He didn’t really treat Jason like his sub at all, and it was a bit disconcerting.

He was lost in thought until Dick crossed in front of him, sprawling on the other end of the couch with a groan. 

“You want to watch TV?” He turned it on as he asked, so Jason figured a verbal answer wasn’t needed this time. 

It was fascinating to watch him flip through channels so quickly. Jason couldn’t keep track of what was what, but eventually Dick settled on something with a lot of different characters and artificial laughs that came from no one on screen. 

“Have you ever seen  _ How I Met Your Mother? _ ” Dick asked, pulling at the knot of his tie until it was loose enough to slip over his head.

“No.” Jason used to watch telenovelas with the old lady next door back before his mom was too sick to work, but that was about it.

“Really?!” Dick seemed surprised until he took in the blank look on Jason’s face, then he blushed. “Right. Sorry. Okay, hold on. We have to start from the beginning.” He hit a bunch of buttons on the remote that switched the TV from whatever channel they were on to something different. 

The format was entirely foreign, but Jason was able to follow along easier than with the cable as Dick scrolled down and selected the right series. 

It was easy enough to catch on to the basic storyline, and he liked the characters well enough, but Jason was admittedly paying very little attention to the episode playing. Why? Well, that was primarily because Dick was ever so slowly undressing himself, and it was incredibly distracting. 

By the end of the first episode, Dick's shirt was untucked with sleeves rolled up, and entirely unbuttoned, revealing a tight white undershirt. Five minutes later he shifted, winced, and unbuckled his belt. 

It was unfair. He didn't even seem to be doing it on purpose. And given the pattern of dirty laundry Jason had dealt with that morning, it was probably a habit by now, but Jason couldn't help but wonder if maybe Dick was expecting something…  _ else _ from him. He'd claimed there wouldn't be any sex, but depending on the definition, that left a lot of options. 

"Oh man, this part is awesome. Poor Marshall."

Jason spared about half a second for the TV at Dick's comment, then was fully engrossed in watching Dick shrug out of his button up and toss it to the side, sprawling out further on the couch with a sigh. The man was unfairly gorgeous, even after a long day of work, and unfortunately Dick seemed to be successively ticking every one of the boxes on Jason's mental list of things he found attractive in a dom. 

When Dick wriggled for a moment, then pulled his belt out of the loops with a soft sound, Jason called it quits. 

"Have to pee," he muttered, beating a hasty retreat to his bathroom. He stayed there for longer than he probably should have if he wanted to keep the 'peeing' myth alive, but he wasn't sure he could sit down next to Dick and not make a fool of himself. If the dom would just  _ tell him _ what to expect, Jason would be much more willing to go along with it. These mind games were starting to fray his nerves.

The soft beep of the oven timer going off finally drew him back out into the living room, where Dick was still in that tight white shirt, but now had sweatpants on instead of his work slacks.

“Hey! Good timing,” Dick said, grinning as he caught sight of Jason. “Would you mind setting the table? Plates are over to the left of the microwave.”

Jason hesitated for a moment after opening the cupboard, debating on whether to set himself a place or not, but took the risk and grabbed two sets of plates and forks. Dick had let him sit at the table last night for dinner, so it was a safe bet that Dick intended for that to be the norm. If he was wrong, hopefully Dick wouldn’t be too upset.

They worked together to get the table set, Dick whistling tunelessly as he shuttled the pan and serving utensils out, then dumped a bag of lettuce into a bowl with some dressing.

He waited for Dick to sit down first, but the dom didn’t seem to mind when Jason took the seat across from him. It was a little relieving to confirm that this was the norm Dick intended to continue. He’d just have to watch out for special occasions.

Dick sat for only a second, then was back on his feet to dish out Jason’s serving of pasta and salad. It smelled absolutely divine, especially after not having eaten all day, and Jason couldn’t help but inhale deeply to get the full experience.

“Alright, I think that’s everything.” Dick sat back heavily in his seat, his own plate now full. “Go ahead and dig in!”

Jason took his first bite of lasagna, idly noting that it would be his first time actually eating the stuff, and froze. He chewed once. Twice. Rolled the bite across his tongue. Looked at his plate, then looked at Dick.

Dick glanced up just in time to see his look, and whatever expression he was making had Dick smothering a chuckle so he wouldn’t choke. 

“It’s good, right? Best stuff in the city.”

Jason looked back down at his plate and swallowed so he could take another bite. “I’m learning how to make this.” He didn’t know how he was going to learn, but this was something that he needed to be able to eat again.

“If you figure out how to make this, I might not let you ever move out,” Dick joked. 

And for once, it didn’t feel like a threat. It felt like how he used to tease the other subs, and it brought a smile to his face. Maybe this would all work out.

* * *

Dick walked through his front door to find Jason kneeling for the second day in a row. He had mixed feelings about it. 

On the one hand, Jason was probably just greeting him traditionally because he was afraid Dick would punish him otherwise. On the other hand, he kept having to clench his fists in order to keep from pulling Jason’s head back and telling him that he was being a good fucking sub. So, very mixed feelings. He opted to just try to ignore both reactions and wait for Jason to be a bit more comfortable before bringing it up. 

“Hey, Jason.” He brushed his fingers over Jason’s shoulder and nodded to acknowledge the position, offering neither praise nor chastisement until he knew Jason’s reasoning. “How was your day?”

“Good, sir.” 

Jason’s lips curled with a barely-there smile, head tilting just slightly towards Dick’s touch. God, the boy was so touch-starved it made Dick sick.

“I made dinner.”

“Yeah?” Dick felt himself smile wide in surprise. Jason had really taken the initiative on the cooking thing. “Why don’t you show me what we’re having?”

“Yes, sir.” Jason pushed himself to his feet, keeping his head bowed in deference, then gestured for Dick to enter the kitchen first. 

It smelled good, in an undefinable way, but he was interested in seeing what Jason had come up with.

“There was a show,” Jason started slowly, slipping around the kitchen silently, all while being careful not to invade Dick’s space. “We had a lot of the ingredients, so I made creamy garlic chicken, and we didn’t have asparagus or mushrooms, but we did have green beans so there’s green beans instead. And mashed potatoes.”

He pulled a baking dish out of the oven and the smell intensified. Definitely garlicy, definitely good. It looked like some kind of casserole with everything mixed together, and Dick was very eager to try it.

“Well it certainly smells fantastic.” He closed the distance between them and pressed his shoulder against Jason’s. “How about I set the table and we can eat?” It was earlier than he was used to, but his usual habits weren’t exactly the healthiest.

Jason fidgetted, frowning at the suggestion. “I wouldn’t mind setting the table this time.”

Tim might accuse Dick of being oblivious sometimes, but he could read that message loud and clear.

“Okay. I’ll go wait in the living room until it’s ready.” Dick left Jason to finish preparing for dinner in peace, and pulled out his phone to surf the web in the meantime. 

Plopping down on the couch, he had to nudge a book out of the way in order to rest his feet on the coffee table, which was weird. He leaned forward to see what it was, and was surprised to find his old criminology textbook from college. Jason must have pulled it out for some reason, though why he’d want to read it was beyond Dick. There were some interesting parts, but that textbook was dry enough to bore most people to tears.

“Sir?” 

Dick looked over to see Jason standing in a ready stance. Postures were a traditional staple in the dynamic community, but Dick would have to find out what names Jason associated with them before he could include them in a potential scene. 

“Dinner’s ready.”

“Thank you, Jason. I’ll be right over.” Dick took his seat, already salivating at the meal Jason had prepared, but wanted to address something while it was on his mind. “You know, you don’t have to call me ‘sir’ on the daily if you don’t want.” 

He said it casually, but Jason still froze across from him, halfway to his seat.

“Honestly. You can just call me Dick if you’re comfortable with it. Sir can be saved for scenes and maybe if I take you to a special event, but I would always make sure you knew the expectations if something like that came up.” Dick unfolded his napkin, trying to look at ease and not stare Jason down.

“Okay.” Jason paused, swallowed, then tacked on, “Dick.”

Dick finally glanced up and grinned at Jason, not having expected him to do it so quickly. Jason had called him by his name back at the FBI facility, but that was before Dick had been his guardian. It was nice to know that Jason was comfortable enough to let go of that formality now.

He doled out their servings, only realizing halfway through the motions that he was giving Jason food just like he had yesterday. It made his face heat up a bit, given that it was only a step away from trying to feed Jason, but he finished portioning everything out because stopping now would be even more awkward. At least Jason didn’t seem to mind. 

Dropping back into his seat, he scooped up a spoonful of the casserole, trying to get a bit of everything in one bite. 

“Holy crap.” The words came out muffled around his mouthful, and Dick hurried to swallow before he made a mess. “This is really good!” 

He honestly had no idea that anything in his kitchen could be combined into something that tasted that good. The chicken was a bit overcooked, but not enough to be off-putting, and the green beans were a nice addition to keep the texture from getting too mushy.

Jason ducked his head, but Dick could see the corners of his smile.

“Thank you.”

“You should be very proud of yourself. This is so much better than anything I could make.” Dick shoved another spoonful into his mouth to prove his point.

They spent the next few minutes just eating before the silence started to bug him, and Dick tried to start a conversation again. “So, how was your day?”

“It was good. Thank you for asking.”

Trying to get Jason to talk was like pulling nails, on top of the fact that Jason seemed to just be reading from an etiquette script in his head.

“I saw one of my old textbooks on the coffee table. Are you interested in criminology?”

Jason stilled across from him, sucking in a sharp panicked breath. “I’m sorry.” He dropped his spoon, looking up at Dick with wide eyes. “I shouldn’t have touched it. I’ll put it back.”

He was already halfway out of his seat by the time Dick’s brain caught up enough to say, “Wait, no! You’re fine, Jason. Really. Please sit back down?”

Jason still looked conflicted, but he settled back down into his seat.

“I don’t mind if you read it. I was just curious as to why you picked that one.”

Jason chewed on his bottom lip, which Dick was quickly noticing was a stress habit, and shrugged. “I got the chores done, and there wasn’t anything helpful on the TV at the time, and, well, it sounded interesting.”

When it was clear that Jason wasn’t going to continue, Dick picked up the train of thought. “Do you like reading?”

Jason was slow to nod, but he did nod, which was promising. 

“If you like reading, then I can take you to the library tomorrow after work and we can set you up with an account. Then you can pick out any book that interests you, instead of being limited to old textbooks.”

The hopeful look that filled Jason’s face made Dick feel warm inside, and he found himself smiling in encouragement. 

“Really! Any book you want. And there’s a little cafe around the corner from the library too, so if you ever want to get out of the house for a bit, it’s a good place to go and relax.” 

He knew, technically, that this wasn’t some kind of game or race to be won, but the slow smile that spread across Jason’s face certainly felt like winning.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back!! 
> 
> Editing is going well, and I can promise that Chapter 3 will be up next Wednesday, so keep your eyes peeled! (I'm aiming for a weekly posting schedule, but I promise nothing lol)
> 
> No warnings for this chapter, but the next one is a little more exciting. ;)
> 
> Many, MANY thanks to the lovely txbookeater!!! I hope you all enjoy!!

They ended up walking to the library, given that it was only a handful of blocks away and parking in the city was a nightmare. 

Jason kept his head down for most of the walk, but the bustling city around them felt magnetic, and more than once he had to tear his gaze away from a colorful person or interesting sign. He honestly couldn’t remember the last time he was around so many people. Maybe during some of the dom parties the brothel would throw, but he was always so far down for those he couldn’t remember much.

Dick rambled for most of the walk, pointing out his favorite coffee shop and market. Jason tried to pay attention to it all, but he kept getting distracted and ended up just hoping that Dick wouldn’t quiz him on this later. 

The library, when they got to it, didn’t look much like a library at all. The only distinguishing feature that separated it from the eight other gothic brick buildings on the street was the squat clocktower on top. A bronze plaque was attached to the left of the main entrance, reading ‘Gotham Public Library: Clocktower Branch.’

He was surprised to recognize the name. Some of the librarians at the North Branch used to talk about how sad it was that the building was falling apart. That was a long time ago, but it didn’t seem to be on the verge of being condemned now. It also confirmed that he was in Old Gotham and not too far from where he’d grown up in Crime Alley, which was a bit surreal to think about.

He followed Dick up the stairs and stepped into an entirely different world. In contrast to the drab grey exterior, the massive interior was lined with warm wood paneling accented by golden lights. The effect was cozy, despite the four-story ceiling in the central atrium. The entire space was filled with rows upon rows of bookshelves, and Jason couldn’t help but inhale deeply to breathe in the scent of the books. 

It felt… welcoming.

He noticed Dick watching him from the corner of his eye, and ducked his head down in embarrassment. 

Dick, kindly enough, didn’t comment. “It’s organized by genre and targeted age,” he said instead, pointing to the signs hanging from the ceiling at regular intervals. “First floor is mostly adult nonfiction, second floor is targeted to kids and teens, third floor is adult fiction, and the fourth floor is basically a bunch of study nooks.”

Jason nodded. That was easy enough to understand, although it looked like there would be a  _ lot _ of material to sift through. 

“There’s a computer room over to the right that’s free to use, but you’ll need a library card to log on,” Dick continued, leading them towards the large desk in the middle of the first floor, placed strategically beneath the vaulted ceiling of the atrium.

Jason could see the balconies of each floor above them and some kids playing with… something wooden on the second floor. They were a bit too far away for him to really make it out.

“Is that a wandering Grayson I see?” 

The unfamiliar voice drew Jason’s gaze back down to a smiling red haired woman sitting behind the main desk.

“Long time no see, wonder bread. How come you haven’t dropped by to visit?” Her eyes slipped to Jason for a second, but her smile stayed bright and teasing.

“Sorry, Babs. Been a little busy lately. Jim tell you about the case?” Dick asked, leaning casually against the desk.

“As much as he can.” She shrugged, and she must have some kind of inside knowledge, because Jason was thoroughly lost as to why someone named Jim would be telling a random librarian about a case.

“Jason, this here is Barbara Gordon,” Dick interrupted his train of thought to introduce them. “She’s been a friend since forever, and is hands-down the smartest person I know. Babs, this is Jason.” 

Dick didn’t include any other information about his relationship with Jason, for which Jason was relieved. The collar around his throat said enough, but he’d been unsure if Dick was the kind of person to make sure social status was acknowledged. 

“Hi Jason, it’s nice to meet you.” Barbara grinned and leaned forward, offering her hand.

“Oh! It’s… nice to meet you too.” Jason shook her hand, trying not to show how much he’d been caught off guard. No one had ever wanted to shake his hand before.

“So what can I do for you boys? I’m assuming this isn’t just a random social visit?” She glanced between the two of them, including Jason in the question.

“Not this time. We were hoping you could set Jay up with a library card?” Dick shot Jason a smile.

“Sure thing.” Barbara nodded sharply, all business, and—Jason’s brain blanked for a second—rolled away.

He realized very abruptly that Barbara was in a wheelchair, and that brought a new light to the height difference between the desk in front of them and the checkout counter on the other side of the service center. As Barbara wheeled back to them, a few papers balanced on her lap, Jason made a conscious effort to not stare at the chair.

“There’s a little bit of paperwork for you to fill out, but it shouldn’t take too long,” she explained.

“Do you need me?” Dick asked, addressing both of them.

Barbara looked at Jason and shrugged. “Not unless Jason wants you here. There shouldn’t be anything too invasive, and we can always call you over if we need to.”

“Would you be okay if I wandered off?”

Jason blinked back at Dick, then shrugged. “I should be fine.” He was a big boy. If Dick didn’t want to babysit him, he didn’t have to. 

“Okay. I’m gonna go check out the young adult section, so if you need me I’m on the second floor.” Dick grinned and gave them a two-fingered salute, backing away towards the rows of bookshelves. 

“Don’t bully the kids, Dick. And read a book meant for your age!” Barbara called after him.

In a completely predictable move, Dick stuck out his tongue and wiggled his fingers up by his ears, making a completely ridiculous face, then skipped off to wherever the stairs were.

“That boy will never change,” Barbara said, shaking her head in exasperation. 

She smiled at Jason in a way that was probably meant to convey mutual understanding and longsuffering, but he wasn’t quite sure what he was supposed to be understanding, so he just offered her a half-smile.

It worked well enough and she turned back to the papers in front of her.

“Okay, this is the main one,” she said, turning it so he could read it. “Just your name and basic information here, the address is only used if you use the book delivery system and you can enter your dom’s phone number if you don’t want to include your own.”

He grabbed a pen from the little cup to the right, and set about filling in as much of the information as he could. He ended up pulling out his guardianship card to confirm Dick’s phone number and address, and made a mental note to put more effort into memorizing the information. The rest of the account setup process was just making sure he could access his online account and understand how the website was set up, and Barbara was incredibly patient in explaining how it all worked to him. It made him wonder if she regularly worked with people who had no internet experience, because she didn’t blink an eye at some of the questions he asked, things he knew he  _ should _ know, but didn’t.

“Okay, I think we’re all good!” She looked the paperwork over one more time, then ran it through a machine that would apparently scan it into a digital document. “Here’s your card,” she said, handing him the little plastic rectangle. “You have a limit for the first two weeks, so there’s a max of five books and one movie that you can check out at any one time. Books are due one month after the initial checkout, and movies are due after one week. You can renew checked-out items as many times as you need, but if anything is damaged, lost, or you build up a late fee, we accept volunteer hours to pay back the fees.”

Barbara tapped her fingers against her lips, clearly reviewing their conversation for anything she’d missed. “I think that’s it! All the librarians have lanyards and a nametag, and there should be two on each floor. If you have any questions, just let one of us know!” 

Jason smiled tightly, unsure how to really respond to her enthusiasm, but tried to make up for it with a soft, “Thank you.”

“Do you know where you want to start? Or do you just want to wander?” 

Surprisingly, Jason knew exactly what he wanted to do. It’d been weighing on his mind since Dick first mentioned going to the library. “Where would I find historical fiction?”

A slow, eager smile spread across Barbara’s face. “Third floor. There’s stairs and elevators on either side of the building, but you’re going to want to go up that side,” she said, pointing to the right. “Once you get up there, you’ll turn right, and there should be roughly four aisles of historical fiction. Just look out for the sign.”

“Okay. Thank you!” Jason felt a thrill of excitement. He was allowed to go look for something he wanted on his own. More than that, he was being  _ encouraged _ to do so by his dom. It made his insides feel light in a way he wasn’t familiar with. “It was really nice to meet you, Barbara.”

“It was nice to meet you too, Jason. Have fun! I’m excited to see what you find!

The elevator ride was smooth and quiet, not at all what he would have expected for a building this old in this part of Gotham, but Jason had a strong suspicion that this library was getting its funding from more than just the county. The fact that they accepted volunteer hours in place of late fees was unheard of, unless things had dramatically changed since the last time he was in a library.

The historical fiction section was easy enough to get to, but Jason had grossly underestimated his ability to actually find the book he had in mind. A basic memory of the plot did very little to help when everything was sorted by the author’s last name.

He was staring at a row of books, skimming through and hoping something would pop out, when a tiny dark-haired girl appeared at his elbow. It was so unexpected he flinched back, not having heard her approach at all. 

She cringed, clearly apologetic, and took a step back. 

After his heart went down from where it’d jumped into his throat, when it became clear she wasn’t going to speak first, Jason coughed quietly and asked, “Can I help you?”

She smiled at him in amusement and lifted up the lanyard name tag that he hadn’t seen before.  _ Cass. _ “I help you,” she corrected him, speaking softly.

Nodding, he looked back to the wall of books. “I’m trying to find a book, but I don’t remember the title or the author.”

“Describe?” She pulled a tablet out of thin air and looked at him expectantly.

“Uh, historical fiction. I think it was written a long time ago, though. It had romance, kind of? The main character was a female sub, and the love interest was this wealthy guy who wasn’t very nice at first.”

Cass nodded, tapping away at the tablet, then held it out to him. There was a list of titles and brief summaries, and one of them stood out as familiar in the first five options.

“That one. _ Pride and Prejudice.” _ He pointed to the title in question.

Cass twisted the screen back towards her, tapped a few more times, then nodded sharply. “Come.” 

She started leading him out of the historical fiction section, weaving between the towering shelves like a little ninja.

“Two copies. One here, gone. Checked out. Other,” she pointed ahead of them at a sign labeled ‘Classics.’ 

Jason used to understand the library sorting systems well, but it’d been years and he’d have to relearn it before it was any help. As it was, Cass’ fingers danced across the spines of books until they stopped abruptly and pulled one out. 

The cover didn’t look the same as the copy he’d read growing up, but the excitement that ran through him was the same as the first time a librarian had handed it to him on a whim. 

“Good?”

He looked up at her, smiling wider than he had in a very long time. “Yes, this is perfect. Thank you.”

She blushed and shrugged, but was clearly pleased with herself. 

It occurred to Jason that she might be a sub. He couldn’t see a collar, but her shirt was high-necked and all the right signals were there. 

“More help?”

It was on the tip of his tongue to say no, but he stopped. Hesitated, because he hadn’t felt this comfortable around a stranger ever. Not even when he’d first met Tim. “Do you have any recommendations?” he asked instead.

Cass lit up, nodded once, then led him to what appeared to be the center of the adult section. Several tables were arranged with books propped up next to a sign advertising ‘staff favorites.’ She headed straight for one and pulled down a green book. 

Turning around, she held it to her chest and looked at him seriously. “Heavy book. You read, you cry. Lots of hurt, but good end. If you no want, okay. I understand.”

He nodded slowly, processing the information. “Could I read the summary?” 

She handed him the book, and he skimmed the back. Immediately, he knew he’d end up bawling his eyes out and probably panicking and over-identifying with the story. 

“I don’t think I can read this now, but I do want to read it.” He looked over the cover, trying to memorize the picture and title.  _ A Long Way Gone. _

“Have card?” Cass held out her hand, and he gave her his library card. “Online. Have ‘for later’ list.” She showed him how to find the reading list on her tablet, then scanned the barcode on the back of the book. A picture of it popped up on the screen, and she nodded in satisfaction. “You find later. Read when head feel calm.” 

Yeah, he’d need to be stable going into that one.

“Any other recommendations?” 

She thought about it for a moment, then skimmed the other recommended books and pulled one off a table. “Same author. Good story.”

He tucked it underneath  _ Pride and Prejudice, _ trusting her judgement. 

They picked out three more books for him to try out, then Cass led him down to the young adult section where they found Dick sprawled upside-down on a beanbag flipping through a comic book. 

“Hey!” Instead of standing up like a normal person, he drew his feet up over his head and rolled backwards off the cushion. “All set?”

Jason blinked at him, then looked at Cass, who looked vaguely amused. Maybe this is what Barbara had meant when she gave him that look earlier? Turning back to Dick, he nodded. “Yeah, I’m ready.”

“Cool.” Dick skipped over to a shelf and slid his comic book back in place. 

Barbara was busy when they got down to the main desk, so they were checked out by a young man with a nice smile. 

It was kind of surreal, walking out of the library next to Dick with a stack of books that the dom had barely glanced at, let alone gone through to vet Jason’s reading material. 

They got halfway back to the apartment before Jason’s curiosity got the best of him. “Do you like comics?” he found himself asking.

Dick glanced up from where he’d been lost in thought and grinned. “Yeah, although it’s usually more graphic novels," he said, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I know Babs teases me for always going to the books intended for kids and teens, but that’s honestly what I prefer. I read a ton of books in college for my age range and loved them, but after spending all day reading through cases and dealing with traumatized people, being able to sit down with something fantastical and silly is much more enjoyable.”

Jason nodded along, seeing the draw. “It’s nice to take a break from reality sometimes.”

A surprised look crossed Dick’s face. “It is. Is that why you like reading?”

Shrugging, Jason glared down at the sidewalk in thought. “I haven’t read in a very long time. Not since I got picked up.” He paused, trying to decide if he wanted to say more, before continuing, “After my mom died, I spent a lot of time at the library. The one over in the Alley? Free AC and heat, and the librarians didn’t ask a lot of questions. One of them always had snacks she’d hand out if you told her about a new book. She gave me a lot of good recommendations, even bought me a used copy of my favorite story the Christmas before I got grabbed.”

“Is that one of the books you checked out?” 

“Yeah.” Jason pulled the stack of books closer to his chest, but Dick didn’t pry further.

“I’m glad you were able to find it again. Now that you know where the library is, feel free to go out and visit anytime. You’re not confined to the apartment.”

Sucking in a sharp breath, Jason blinked at him in surprise. “I’m… able to go out? By myself?”

Dick looked at him with a strange expression. “Of course. You don’t need me to babysit you. As long as you let me know where you’re going, I’m fine with you going out and exploring. Just like, leave me a note or something I guess.”

Jason wasn’t sure if he really believed it was that easy, but he nodded. If Dick was letting him have full access to the library, he wasn’t going to complain.

“It’s good that we were able to go out today, though. I was a bit worried you’d be stuck at home all week with nothing to do,” Dick said, jokingly. 

Jason wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that, because in his experience doms usually gave him something to do,  _ or else, _ so he just shrugged.

“Speaking of, would you like to go grocery shopping with me tomorrow? That way you can get a feel for where the store is, in case you ever have to run out when I’m not home?”

“I’d—that would be. Fine.”

“Great!” Dick beamed at him, bumping into his shoulder playfully. “And hey, this way you can pick out any ingredients we might be missing. Cooking is always easier when you have all the supplies.”

“Yeah.” Jason felt his lips twitch in a bit of a smile, Dick’s enthusiasm was just that contagious. “I can put a list together?” There was a very limited number of seasonings that Dick had for him to work with, and if Jason wrote down the things he thought would be good to try, then Dick would be able to okay them first. Right?

“Perfect. I’m really looking forward to seeing what you can come up with,” Dick said, eyes bright.

“Me too.” And, surprisingly enough, Jason was. He’d never felt optimistic before, and ‘optimism’ was probably too strong a term to describe what he was feeling, but he wasn’t dreading the coming week. It was a new feeling, but one he found he rather liked. Life seemed a little less bleak when he had the weight of the books in his hands and the promise of food in the near future. He’d have to be careful. Getting comfortable was not an option, but he would enjoy the reprieve while it lasted.

* * *

They settled into a rhythm as the rest of the week progressed. Jason experimented with various foods for dinner, usually with enough leftovers that Dick started packing lunches. 

He started and finished  _ Pride and Prejudice _ in a day and a half. It was just as good as he remembered and he was eager to read some of Austen's other works, but couldn't seem to focus enough to get into  _ Emma. _ By the time Friday came, he really couldn't focus on anything at all, and he had to distract himself from the way his skin was crawling with anxiety.

He'd already caught up on laundry and dishes, so he scrubbed all three bathrooms just to have something to  _ do. _ It wasn’t enough though, and he found himself wandering around the apartment, picking up books to read, putting them down, picking at the skin on his lips, and overall just trying not to think about  _ why _ he felt so unsettled. He knew  _ why; _ he just refused to admit it.

Dick was busy enough without Jason being a bother, so after dinner that night Jason claimed he had a headache and escaped to his room. He spent most of the night with his nails biting into the skin of his shoulders, but eventually—much to his surprise—he did fall asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are starting to move now!! Heads up that Jason has a flashback in this chapter of past abuse, and that he doesn't have any healthy coping mechanisms... 
> 
> I think I'll be able to post chapter 4 next week too, so woo! Accidental posting schedule XD Massive shout out to txbookeater for being an amazing beta, they're the BEST!!!
> 
> Enjoy!

Dick watched Jason adjust the angle of the picture for the fifth time that day, and finally admitted defeat. For the past several days he’d noticed the sub getting progressively more fidgety and anxious, and now that Saturday was here he couldn’t ignore it any longer. Jason clearly needed to go down, and he clearly wasn’t going to ask, so Dick was going to have to be the one to bring it up. He really wished that weren’t the case, but Jason wasn’t going to trust him out of nowhere, no matter what Dick wanted.

“Jason?” Dick waited for him to look over from dusting the spotless shelf before continuing. “I was wondering how you were feeling?"

A bewildered expression crossed Jason's face for a second, then settled into something purposefully neutral. "I'm fine. Thank you."

Dick could've dropped it then, he really probably should've, but his gut was telling him that was the wrong course of action. "You sure? It's just… you seem really anxious. Like you're unsettled and need to, you know, go down. And I don't want to pressure you!" he rushed to add. "We can wait until whenever you’re ready." He knew that Jason would likely wait until it was too late, and Dick would have to pull him out of a drop, but he had to at least try. "I just wanted to let you know I'm happy to help you go down whenever you want."

God that was awkward. If Jason was even thinking of saying yes before, Dick doubted he'd say yes now.

Jason stared at him for what felt like an eternity, and Dick wasn't sure if that was good or not. Jason so rarely made eye contact it felt like a win, but it was probably at the cost of stunning the poor guy speechless. 

Finally, Jason blinked and straightened up, eyes going to study the oh-so-interesting floorboards. "Yeah," he cleared his throat, "I, uh, probably need to go down."

"All right." Dick very carefully did not move a muscle. Jason looked tense enough already. "Do you want to try today? Or would you rather wait a few days?" His instincts were telling him that Jason had two days  _ at most _ before his body sent him into a free fall, but Dick wasn't about to force him into anything. 

"Now is fine." Jason fidgeted with the seam of his pants, lowering his head further in a show of submission.

"Okay," Dick trailed off, trying to get his thoughts in order. He really hadn't expected Jason to accept, let alone suggest they do it right now. "Do you want me to tell you what I have planned? Or do you prefer to be surprised?"

"Whatever you want, sir."

Now that was total bullshit, but Dick had a feeling that calling Jason out on it would not end well. "Well, I'm planning on having you put on something more comfortable and make us some sandwiches. Then you could kneel by me and we can eat. How does that sound?" 

"That sounds fine, sir."

Dick was pretty sure Jason would've given him that response even if it wasn't fine, but the slight ease of tension in his shoulders gave Dick encouragement that he was on the right track. 

Mentally shifting further into his dom mindset, Dick made his voice firm and ordered, "Go into your room. I want you to take off your clothes and fold them. Leave them at the end of your bed. Put on something comfortable; sweats, a loose shirt, nothing too tight. Then come back out here. Do you understand?"

Jason's shoulders dropped down a bit more and he nodded. 

"Answer me verbally, please."

"Sorry, sir. I understand, sir."

"Good." Dick took note of the shudder that traveled down Jason's torso. "You can go now."

Jason turned and made his way out of the room, steps slow and measured. 

Dick waited for the door to click shut, then launched himself off the couch and dashed to his room as quietly as he could. He grabbed what he needed off the top of his dresser, then tip-toed back to the couch, trying to slow his breathing and calm down after his mad dash. He really wanted to make this perfect for Jason, prove that subspace could be safe and good, but it was a lot of pressure and he was nervous as hell. 

Jason’s door clicked open a few minutes later and he made his way back into the living room slowly. His eyes anxiously flit up from the floor to Dick’s chin and back down, not making any eye contact—which was impressive given that Dick was sitting below him.

Trying to put him at ease, Dick kept his body language relaxed and smiled up at Jason. “There, that looks much more comfortable. Would you feel okay kneeling here?” He gestured to the pillow placed next to his feet. 

“Yes, Sir.” Jason closed the distance between them, sinking down onto the pillow with a fluidity that made Dick’s breath quicken.

“Very good. Thank you, Jason.” 

Jason’s eyes fluttered closed at the praise, and Dick watched his head droop to the side slightly. 

“Before we get any further, I’d like to put this on you.” 

Jason’s eyes snapped open, and watched as he pulled the soft leather collar out of his pocket, draping it over his knee. It was nicer than the one Jason was legally required to wear out in public, and would be less irritating than the heavier material. Dick wasn’t sure what the sub was thinking, but his eyes stayed locked on the collar as Dick ran his fingers over it.

“I like collars, because they outline moments. In the future, we’d start every scene with me putting this collar on you, and end every scene with me taking it off. I think it will give you a physical symbol of when to know my expectations of you might change, and I’ve had a lot of success with it in the past.” Dick paused until Jason took the hint and looked up at him. “If you don’t like collars, I want you to tell me now. I can just as easily use a bracelet or something that wouldn’t cause you distress.”

Jason spent a long time just looking at him and breathing, then his eyes slid back down to the collar and he nodded slowly. “I like collars, sir.”

It was so quiet, Dick could hardly hear the reply, but it was a relief, nonetheless. He'd been a bit worried Jason would say ‘it’s up to you’ again, even if it was something Jason hated. 

“Yeah?” Dick had to bite his tongue to keep from saying ‘I’m glad you do,’ just in case Jason  _ was _ lying. “Would you like to put it on yourself?”

The grimace that crossed Jason’s face was genuine, and reassuring. “You can do it, sir.”

“Okay, tip your chin up for me.” Dick held the collar against the base of Jason’s throat, then Jason dropped his head down to bare the back of his neck without prompting, letting him buckle it. Hooking the tips of two fingers into the collar, he slid them around to the front of Jason’s throat, making sure it wasn’t too tight. “Is that comfortable?”

Jason’s pupils were blown wide, and the way he processed the question sluggishly suggested he was well on his way down to subspace. “Yes, sir.”

“Good. Thank you for telling me.” Dick’s fingers threaded through Jason’s hair and scratched lightly. “I want you to go to the kitchen and make me a sandwich with turkey and that new cheese. You know how I like my condiments, so I trust you’ll do it well. I want you to cut it into quarters when you’re finished, then bring it back to me. Do you understand?”

Jason blinked, eyes focusing now that he had a task. “Yes, sir.”

“All right, you can stand up now.”

Jason pushed himself to his feet, then made his way to the kitchen. Dick could still watch him if he looked over his shoulder, but his gut was saying it would be better to let Jason do his own thing. With that in mind, Dick turned on the TV and flicked through the channels until he found some kind of nature documentary about birds. Volume down low, it should offer just enough background noise to keep things from getting too intense in the silence.

He settled in, sprawling out on the couch to take up more space and kicked the kneeling pillow so that it rested between his feet instead of off to the side. The coffee table was just close enough to be awkward, so he kicked it a few more inches away.

Jason returned just a few minutes later, carefully holding a plate with the sandwich on it. He didn’t even hesitate at the sight of the new configuration and dropped to his knees between Dick’s legs, eyes averted respectfully and plate held up in offering. 

_ “Such _ a good sub” Dick said, grinning. The sandwich looked perfectly symmetrical, and he had no doubt that Jason had been extra careful making it. 

Pulling the plate out of Jason’s hands, he set it next to his thigh and laced his fingers through Jason’s hair. He tugged gently, pulling Jason’s head from side to side to enforce his position. 

Jason went with the motions, totally malleable and unresisting, and Dick felt a thrill of pride that Jason trusted him that much. He pulled Jason’s head down until it was resting on his thigh just above his knee, then stroked his fingers through that soft hair.

“Sit back on your heels and lace your fingers together behind your back. If you let go on accident, that’s fine, but as long as you’re aware I want you to keep your hands behind your back.”

Jason’s arms went behind his back, out of Dick’s range of sight, but he knew the sub was listening. 

“Very good, Jason.” 

The soft sigh Jason let out was just another confirmation of how sensitive he was to praise, and Dick felt a bolt of sudden anger that this was probably his first real experience receiving it. 

Picking up one of the sandwich squares, Dick bit into it and hummed happily. It was just as good as Jason always made them, but was made even better with the gorgeous man kneeling at his feet.

“This is delicious, Jason. You did a very good job making it.” He pressed the other half of the piece to Jason’s lips, prompting him to open up and take a bite. “See? You did so well. You listened to what I said and it turned out beautifully.” 

Jason let out a soft breath, not quite a hum, and chewed slowly. He looked a bit hazy, not fully down yet, but somewhere on the path to subspace. 

Dick alternated bites until the sandwich was gone, going through a list of things Jason had done well all week that deserved praise. Jason didn’t go down any further, though. He stayed in that hazy in-between and started looking uncomfortable as Dick continued, so it was time to change methods.

“Jason?” He waited for Jason to look up at him, not quite meeting his eyes. “I happen to really like this program, and want to watch the rest of it, but I can’t get comfortable without something to rest my feet on.” He’d paid absolutely zero attention to the documentary, and the coffee table was only just out of range, but Jason just blinked up at him slowly. “I’m going to give you a second cushion, and I want you to curl up on them. Get comfortable. You can rest your arms under your head, if you’d like.”

He pulled another pillow off the couch and dropped it on the floor next to Jason, who tracked the movement without turning his head. 

After a moment, Jason pulled back and turned sideways, curling up into child’s pose. Once he settled, Dick put his feet up onto Jason’s back, and he could feel Jason melt under the pressure, sinking the rest of the way into subspace.

* * *

Jason was floating far, far away. It was quiet and peaceful, and those are two words he’d never thought to associate with subspace before. Time didn’t matter here, and the fingers running through his hair were equal parts soothing and distracting. They were pulling him away from the depths of subspace, and he didn’t want to come up, he wanted to cling to this moment of peace forever, but he knew better than to resist. It was better to just let it happen. It was what Sir wanted.

“Jason.” The soft voice might have been calling him for a while, but Jason only realized it now. “Jason, sweetheart, look at me?” The fingers settled at the back of his neck and gripped his hair, tugging so his head tipped up.

His eyes felt heavy, and he really just wanted to sleep, but his dom asked him to look up. Blinking slowly, he tried to focus on the bright blue up above him.

“There you are. How are you feeling? You’ve been down for most of the afternoon.”

He let the weight of his head press further into the hand holding it up, knowing better than to try to verbally respond.

“Here, let’s get this off you.” His dom’s fingers slid to the back of his head, and the collar around his throat tightened for a moment before it loosened, then pulled away entirely.

Blinking back the threat of tears, Jason tried to center himself without the reassuring pressure. Had he been bad? Why was Sir taking away his collar?

“It’s time to come back up now. How about some math? You know what two plus two is, don’t you?”

Yes, he did, but god. He didn’t know much more. His breathing picked up, anxiety and fear making his eyes widen. He wanted to be good, Sir deserved the very best behaved sub ever, but he’d fail at this. Oh, he knew he’d fail at this, because—

_ “You worthless fucking sub!” _

_ The slap snaps his head to the side, and it’s all he can do to keep silent. It’s better if he’s silent. _

_ “Stupid fucking whore.” The dom pulls him up by his hair, crouching down to sneer in his face. “Betcha don’t know this one either. What’s three times two? Hm? No answer? My ten-year-old is smarter than you, bitch. But I guess that’s why they’re in school, and you’re here.” _

_ He’s thrown onto the ground by the hand in his hair and his skull bounces off the hard cement. He stays limp, dazed and not daring to fight as his shirt gets ripped down the middle. _

_ “How about this.”  _

_ He can hear the dom moving around, then a thud as something hits the ground. He doesn’t need to look to see the whip. He knows what the coil sounds like as it’s unravelled.  _

_ “Since you’re too fucking stupid to do anything else, let’s see if you can count. I’ll even make it easy for you. One—” _

“Jason!” 

Insistent shaking brought him back to the present, where he was still kneeling at Sir— _ Dick’s _ feet.

“There you are. Shh, it’s okay. You left me for a little bit, but you’re back now. No more math, okay?” 

Jason shouldn’t relax at that, but he did.

“How about… oh! How about you tell me the name of your favorite story?”

It took him a moment to understand the question, then a moment longer to get his mouth to work the way it should. “Pride,” he swallowed a mouthful of saliva, “Pride and Prejudice.”

“That’s such a nice one too.” Dick encouraged him to rest his cheek against Dick’s thigh, then started running his fingers through Jason’s hair again. “Do you remember the main character’s name?”

“Elizabeth.” 

“Yes, and who was another character you liked?”

The approval soothed him inside even as he started to come up little by little. “Jane.”

“And why do you like her?”

It went on like that. Open-ended questions with easy answers that drew Jason further and further out of subspace, and when he was finally out Dick handed him a glass of orange juice that had appeared from nowhere.

“You feeling okay?”

“Yeah.” Jason felt hollow. Warm, but hollow. He couldn’t put his feelings into words, but if he could, ‘okay’ would not be one of the ones used.

“You look a little pale.” Dick sounded so sincere, touching the back of his hand to Jason’s forehead. Jason could feel how clammy his skin was against the warmth of Dick’s touch. “Do you want to come sit next to me?”

Oh. Right. 

He blinked and looked down, realizing that he was still kneeling at Dick’s feet. He really wasn’t sure how long he’d been there, but his toes were completely numb. 

“Jason?”

Oh yeah, he was supposed to answer. “No, it’s fine. I’m, uh, I think I’m gonna go lay down in my room. I usually sleep after I go down like that.”

Dick looked torn, chewing on the inside of his cheek. “Are you sure? I wanted to stay with you a bit longer, make sure you’re steady, ya know?”

Nodding, Jason pushed himself to his feet, carefully keeping his eyes averted. “I’m sure. Thanks, though. I really think I just need to lay down. Get some rest…”

“Well, if you’re sure,” Dick trailed off, let his hands drop down to his lap from where he’d raised them to try and offer Jason some help. “Just, let me know if you need anything, ‘kay?”

“I will.” He wouldn’t.

He paused for a moment once he gained his feet, making sure he wasn’t about to tumble head first into the wall before he tried to walk. It was more like a shuffle, really. Pins and needles shot up his legs as he shifted his weight and dragged his feet, walking as quickly as he safely could to get back to the safety of his room. The door clicking shut behind him was loud, echoing in his head and through the wide open space of the bedroom. He needed to be tied down, tethered. ~~Held in place and forced to relax.~~

The closet was too big, wide enough to leave him feeling exposed, and Jason wasn’t sure how it happened, but he found himself shimmying to get underneath his bed, squeezing into the tight space between floor and bed frame. The box spring dug into his back, forcing him to breathe shallowly, but the shadows chasing the edges of his vision were fading, and he finally felt marginally safe. 

He rucked his shirt up and jammed the collar of the shirt into his mouth, biting down and hoping it would be enough. Then, he let go. Falling into the chasm of his subdrop. 

His last conscious thought was a wild hope that he’d be quiet enough to not alert Dick that something was wrong. The last thing he wanted was to let the dom know he was dropping.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back!! Heads up that Jason has a not-so-great time here, and has a lot of ideas/opinions that are... very unhealthy/victim-blame-y kind of things. Hit me up on Tumblr or Discord if you need more details. I think you guys will like this one though. ;) 
> 
> As always, TXBOOKEATER IS THE BEST HUMAN ON THE PLANET!!! 
> 
> Enjoy!

Dick flicked through the contacts on his phone, kicking his feet back and forth from where they dangled over the armrest of his couch, back flat against the length of the seat. Was he sitting a little unconventionally? Yes. Was it the perfect vantage point to sneak glances at Jason without the sub noticing? Also yes. 

Jason had been quiet and withdrawn all day, and was now sitting at the table with his book, waiting for dinner to finish in the oven. 

He wasn’t sure what, or how, but Dick had the distinct feeling that he’d fucked something up. The scene yesterday had been a bit impromptu, but Jason had gone down so easily, and other than a small moment where he’d spaced out while coming up, had seemed okay afterwards. 

Now, Dick was doubting that assessment.

> Dick: is Jay usually rlly quiet? he wasn’t this quiet when we were negotiating, but he’s rlly quiet ever since he moved in
> 
> The response came not long after his text went through.
> 
> Tim: what do u mean?
> 
> Dick: like, is he introverted? trying to engage w/ him is like pulling teeth. he kinda talked Wed after the library, but nothing since

Three dots popped up, indicating that Tim was writing his response, and Dick hurried to add his real concern.

> Dick: we scened yesterday, and I feel like I fucked up
> 
> Tim: i didn’t see him around D’s much. with S’s he was v engaging, but we had 2 b quiet with the D’s at the brothel. maybe a holdover from that? what makes u think u f’ed up?
> 
> Dick: he’s not as fidgety, but he’s said like, 2 words to me all day, and looks exhausted
> 
> Tim: alsdkfj TALK TO HIM
> 
> Tim: I swear
> 
> Tim: debrief the scene if u think u need to
> 
> Tim: but ask if there’s things to do/avoid later, and find something to do together that’s not just scening or TV
> 
> Dick: like what?!?! what are his interests???
> 
> Tim: ASK HIM. INVITE HIM TO JOIN YOU IN SOMETHING YOU’D DO ANYWAYS, IDK
> 
> Dick: ok
> 
> Dick: I’ll try that, thanks
> 
> Tim: np
> 
> Tim: and get him a phone. I want to chat and can’t

Dick instantly felt like a total jerk. He hadn’t even thought about getting Jason a phone. Did Jason want one? He’d have to figure it out.

Dick spent a few minutes googling deals on phones before he was struck by an idea so good he couldn't help but grin.

Setting his phone on the coffee table, Dick rolled off the couch and landed in a crouch. Changing into athletic gear would probably be a good idea, but he didn't want to risk making Jason think athletic clothes were required.

He pulled out his equipment, just some free weights and resistance bands, and did his best to pretend he wasn't aware of Jason watching him.

Humming to himself, he laid out an extra yoga mat just in case and started stretching. Bending over, he planted his hands on the floor and looked between his knees, pretending to be surprised at Jason's attention.

"Hi! You good?"

Jason's nose scrunched up a little. "What are you doing?"

"Stretching. What are you doing?"

Jason glanced at his book, then back at Dick. "Reading."

"Is it a good book?"

Jason shrugged, then nodded, which was a promising response compared to how little he'd responded to Dick's earlier attempts at starting conversation.

"You can always join me if you want. I try and work out a few times a week to help keep off the chub. Nothing too intense, but company always makes it more fun." Dick purposefully kept his tone nonchalant, not letting on just how much he hoped Jason would join him of his own volition.

Jason didn't immediately respond, but Dick didn't make a big deal of it and plopped onto the ground.

A soft shuffling of pages drew his eyes back up to Jason, and his face split into a grin at the sight of Jason making his way over, book left on the table.

"What do I do?" Jason wasn't fidgeting with his hands, but he looked tense enough that he might just not be able to fidget at all.

"Sit down! I like stretching first to warm up my muscles, then again after to help cool off. Here, put your feet together, then try and reach down and touch your toes." Dick demonstrated, wrapping his fingers around the tips of his toes. "It's okay if you can't reach at first, it takes a while to build up the flexibility. Just stretch as far as you can and hold it for thirty seconds, then relax."

Dick walked Jason through a variety of stretches, somewhat impressed with how flexible Jason was. He made sure to point it out, and it never failed to make Jason blush. The sub was so responsive to praise it made Dick want to just dump it over his head until Jason drowned in it. Common sense said that was a terrible idea, but Dick couldn't help being a little heavy handed whenever he had a chance to point out Jason's strengths.

Actually working out was a little less successful, because Jason just didn't have the stamina to keep up, but Dick did his best to make up the difference and sped up his own routine to keep them moving at the same pace.

"Holy shit." Jason collapsed backwards after one last sit-up, sucking in deep breaths.

"Right?" Dick chuckled, falling backwards to lay next to him.

They were both covered in a fine sheen of sweat, but Dick was more excited by how relaxed Jason was than the way his muscles were burning.

"This is how you worked off all those frozen dinners, huh?"

Laughing, Dick shrugged as best he could on the floor. "Had to do  _ something, _ and cooking didn't pan out."

"Well, now you got me."

Dick twisted, making sure he had eye contact before smiling softly. "Yeah, well, now you got me too."

He still needed to debrief the scene with Jason—really identify what worked and what didn’t—but they’d have plenty of time to do that before Jason had to go down again. Sure, they had a lot to figure out about what they both enjoyed doing together, but Dick had hope that with this first scene out of the way it would open up some real conversations between them.

* * *

Jason scrubbed the last bit of grease off the pan he used for lunch, setting it on the counter to dry. The dishwasher was churning away, courtesy of Dick showing him how to use it earlier in the week, and what a week it had been.

He wasn't used to having so much time to himself, but the books he'd picked out had turned out to be a great way to direct a lot of his energy. Working out with Dick in the evenings was getting a little easier, and he was eager to be able to work up to Dick's level of fitness. He'd been skipping lunches since the beginning, but Dick was so generous with dinners that Jason was confident he'd be able to build up some muscle for his dom. No—not his dom. Dick was just his guardian, a fact that was very hard to remember when Dick insisted on touching him at every opportunity, no matter how platonic it was to shove cold toes under a nearby thigh.

He'd also been spending a lot of time figuring out how the hell to use the phone Dick had gotten him on Tuesday. Why Dick thought he needed a phone, Jason had no idea, but now he had a phone.

He'd never had a phone before, had never even considered the fact that he could own one, but it was kind of nice to be able to research all the questions that had been building up. It was also nice because Tim's contact was already programmed into the phone, and he'd been able to catch up with his friend for the first time since he'd moved in with Dick.

It was talking to Tim, actually, that gave him enough courage to do what he was about to do. All the chores were caught up with, they had a few hours before he’d need to worry about dinner, and Dick hadn’t told him about any plans for the day. He was still nervous, but it should be relatively safe for Jason to ask Dick to spend the rest of his Saturday at home.

He wiped down the counter one last time, then tossed the rag into the laundry basket he'd taken to leaving in the living room. It was the easiest way to deal with the variety of laundry that seemed to accumulate even faster than in Dick's bedroom.

The dom in question was sitting upside down on the couch, tapping away at his phone, and Jason took a moment to settle his nerves before approaching him.

“Dick? Sir?”

Dick hummed looking up from his phone with raised eyebrows.

“Do you have a minute?”

“Yeah!” Dick tucked his phone away, twisting upright to give Jason his full attention. “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to let you know...” Jason dug his nails into the meat of his palm, staring very hard at the pattern in the fabric of the couch. “I’m. Well. I’ll probably need to go down again. Soon.”

“Oh.” 

He could see Dick blinking out of the corner of his eye, and the gobsmacked expression was not very reassuring.

“Are you all right?”

The question came out of nowhere, and startled Jason into looking up at Dick’s face for a brief moment. “Yes? It can wait. It’s not very...” Damn it all to hell, he should have kept his fucking mouth shut. Doms didn’t like hearing that they needed to do things. He shouldn’t have said anything, and just trusted that Dick would handle it like last time.

“No, no. It’s okay! I’m just surprised, is all. I figured you wouldn’t want to go down for another two or three weeks.”

Jason shrugged, looking off to the side. “I’m used to being down for days at a time. The… doctor I saw, after Tim got us out, she said I’d probably feel the need to go down at least once a week. That it would take time to get me back on a normal schedule.” 

“Oh.” 

Jason saw Dick’s face soften from the corner of his eye as the dom sat up straighter. 

“I didn’t realize that. Are you okay?”

He shrugged, because how the hell was he supposed to answer that?

“Do you want to go down now? Or would you prefer to do it another day? I don’t have any plans this weekend.”

He’d prefer to do it never, but he’d rather just get the whole thing over with and make his brain stop buzzing with anxious energy. “Now is fine, Sir.”

“All right.” Dick sucked on his lower lip, then nodded sharply. “Are these clothes that you’ll be comfortable in?”

Jason nodded. He’d tried to put on jeans that morning, but the fabric was too rough.

“Kneel here,” Dick said, dropping a cushion on the floor, “and wait for me. I’ll be right back.”

Jason knelt, settling into his ready posture as Dick left to get whatever he needed from his room. He already felt more settled. All he had to do was listen and obey, Dick would take care of the rest. It was one of the only things he liked about the need to go down: being freed from the burden of responsibility. There was usually a bit of fear too, because giving up control meant that he’d have to go along with whatever whims the dom of the day had, but he trusted that Dick didn’t want to harm him. It was a startling thought, and he made a mental note to evaluate it later as Dick walked back into the living room.

Dick was holding coils of dark red rope, the high quality kind that was soft and flexible and would feel good against his skin. He wanted it. He wanted it so bad it startled him how much he longed to feel it tighten against his wrists. It also terrified him a bit. If Dick really knew what he was doing, Jason would be completely at his mercy, and he didn’t trust the dom  _ that _ much. 

He wasn’t able to panic for very long, though, because Dick was a mind-reader. 

Sitting down, Dick laid out the ropes over his knees and held up the collar he’d used last week. 

Jason obediently lifted his chin, letting Dick buckle it around his throat.

“We’re going to start slow. I’m going to lace the rope up both your arms, then across your chest. Your arms will remain free, but I don’t want you to move without permission. If you need to shift in a way that I’m not telling you to, you will ask me. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.” Jason blinked slowly, letting the ebb and flow of command and obedience wash over him. 

“Give me your right hand.”

Jason lifted his right hand up, letting Dick maneuver him until it was resting across the dom’s lap. He kept his eyes averted, not focusing on much at all as cool rope slid around his wrist. 

He found himself matching his breathing to the rhythm of Dick’s motions, the carefully placed loops and the quick pulls as Dick tightened each progressive loop around his arm, moving up towards his elbow. 

The further up Dick got, the farther down Jason fell. It’d been a long time since he’d been properly tied down, and this little taste was more than enough to make the world feel slow. He barely even noticed when Sir finished his right arm, and had to fight against the molasses in the air to lift up his left arm when Sir asked for it. 

All that mattered narrowed down to the points of contact where Sir was touching him and the quiet whispers of Sir speaking. The words didn’t matter, Sir wasn’t giving him orders, but the softness carried through the cadence of his voice, and Jason basked in the peace of knowing he was being good. He was doing just as Sir had asked. 

He drifted for a long time, slipping even further down when a rope around his chest started biting into his skin with every breath. 

Time passed. 

There were fingers in his hair, pulling and playing. 

More time passed, he was warm and safe and nothing else mattered.

The tightness around his chest loosened, then vanished entirely in the span of a few breaths. It startled Jason to a higher level of awareness, and he forced his other senses to get with the program so he could figure out what was going on. 

Sir was pulling at the rope on his shoulders, carefully untying the knots holding everything together. 

Panic laced up through him, that he'd done something wrong somehow. He hadn’t heard any other orders, but Sir was taking the ropes away from him. 

"Jason?"

He must have made a noise or something, because Sir reached down and turned his head up to look into Jason's eyes. 

He was still too far down to pretend, too far down to keep his thoughts to himself; they belonged to his dom. 

"Please!" The word burst out at him as he stared into those too-blue eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please, please!"

"Shh, it's okay." Sir stroked a hand through his hair, trying to calm him down, using his other hand to brush away the tears Jason hadn't noticed. "What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry," he sobbed. He didn't know what he'd done, but he'd do anything to make it up to his Sir. "I'll be good, I promise. I'll be good!"

"You're good, so good." Dick cupped his head, pulling him up until he was halfway into the dom's lap. "You haven't done anything wrong at all."

But Jason knew it was a lie because Sir—Dick was back to pulling at the ropes again, trying to get them untied faster than before. 

"Please!" It came out high pitched and desperate, which wasn't right. If Dick wanted him out of the binds he should be a good sub and just let it happen. 

He stopped fighting, collapsing against Dick as the tears started up in earnest. He'd tried to argue with Dick, with his dom. He really was a bad sub. 

The thoughts spiraled out of control, louder than Dick calling for his attention, compounding and building up until there was nothing left but the drop.

* * *

Dick pulled Jason up onto the couch, feeling a bit frantic as the sub fell into a drop, seemingly at nothing. He had no idea what had happened, where he'd gone wrong. One moment, everything was fine and Jason was peacefully in subspace. The next, Dick was trying to bring him up and sent him into a drop instead. 

Jason was shaking, body wracked with shivers as he stared at nothing. He was trying to claw at his chest, digging at the flesh underneath his t-shirt. 

Dick wormed his way into the space between Jason's arms and chest, putting his body between Jason's nails and chest. He clung to Dick, holding fistfuls of his shirt instead of clawing, instinctively trying not to hurt his dom. 

Recalling all his drop training, Dick settled his weight over Jason, pressing him into the couch. Subs liked to feel contained in a drop, held down and tethered and— 

Dick's thought process stuttered to a stop. 

Jason hadn't started panicking until he'd begun untying the ropes, the simple shibari pattern still tight around Jason's arms. 

Jason’s contract had been sparse. No notes, just straight yeses and nos. Almost nothing on aftercare. Dick had been guessing last time, running on gut instinct and little else, but it suddenly occurred to him how horrible that plan really was. He had no idea what Jason’s preferences on aftercare were—hell. He had no idea if Jason even knew the  _ options. _

He’d fucked up, and he should have known better. If Jason needed a tether as part of his aftercare… fuck. He’d let Jason go back to his room last time. Had he dropped then too?

Jason sobbed himself out, shaking, curled up under Dick’s chin, and Dick felt absolutely miserable. He eased the sub through it as best he could, whispering praise that he hoped Jason could hear, and trying to get his head back on straight enough to be helpful. 

It was an exhausting hour, but finally, Jason fell asleep. Dick shifted enough so that he wasn’t crushing the sub any longer, and tried to plan out the conversation he knew would need to happen. He didn’t get very far, as exhaustion pulled him under as well.

* * *

Something shifted under his head, and Dick blinked awake. The apartment was bathed in warm light from the sinking sun, and he couldn’t remember when exactly he’d fallen asleep, but it definitely hadn’t been near sundown. 

He looked down at Jason, who was squinting at him blearily in confusion, clearly having just woken up.

Jason’s eyes widened as he remembered what had happened, and he scrambled sideways, trying to get out from under Dick and nearly falling off the couch in the process. 

“Woah! Careful there.” Dick sat up, pulling Jason until they were both sitting on the couch and he was no longer crowding the sub. 

“I’m so sorry. I don’t know why—I shouldn’t have made you deal with that. I know it’s…” Jason grimaced, scrubbing a hand over his face to try and rub away the crusted salt from his tears. 

Dick felt a bit blindsided, and tried to pull together the reassurances he’d planned before passing out. “Hey, no. It really wasn’t a big deal. I don’t mind helping with drops.”

“You shouldn’t have had to. It won’t happen again, I promise, Sir. I just wasn’t—”

“What? No. Jason! Dropping is okay! It’s a natural part of biology if you feel unbalanced or unsafe or have a bad scene or just, fuck, didn’t get enough sleep the night before. I don’t want you hiding it from me.” 

Jason was already shaking his head. “No, I know I’m fucked up, but I can deal with it. I know doms don’t like dealing with,” he waved his hand to encompass the whole mess, and Dick tried very hard not to imagine who had taught Jason that lesson. “I know it’s frustrating. I know how to handle it myself, and I’m really sorry.”

Bewildered, Dick gaped at him. “Why on earth are you apologizing?” Dick was the one who messed up, not Jason. 

Jason blinked at him, cautiously leaning backwards. “I… I dropped. In front of you. Without permission. You’re not… mad?”

“Without—” Dick cut himself off, trying to curb the fury at the very thought of someone punishing Jason for dropping, or, god forbid, demanding a drop. 

“I’m not very good at holding off drops,” Jason said, like that didn’t make everything so much worse. “You might have to remind me if I get clingy like that in the future, but I usually remember best if the punishment happens after…” He glanced up at Dick, gnawing on his bottom lip, voice going tense and thin. “I try to be good, but I know good subs remember how to drop better than I do. I’ll try harder in the future, I promise I won’t be as much work…”

Jason’s shoulders climbed up towards his ears as he continued saying awful, awful things that left Dick stunned speechless. It was only when he noticed the fine trembling of Jason’s shoulders that he realized the silence was being taken as judgement, and that if Jason continued he was going to work himself up to another drop.

Dick closed the space between them and clamped a hand down over his mouth, halting the string of awful words. “Jason, I’m not mad at you for dropping! What I’m mad at you for is trying to hide something this important.” Dick took a deep breath, cutting himself off. He had to stay calm for this, especially with how tightly strung Jason was in his arms. He moved his hand away from Jason’s mouth, resting both palms on Jason’s shoulders. “What did we agree I could punish you for?”

Jason was silent for a long moment, then, so softly he had to strain to hear, said, “If I hurt myself or others.”

“Did you know that regular subdrops, without guidance from a dom, can lead to severe depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts?” 

Jason jerked in his arms, and what Dick could see of his face went white. He clearly had not known that, but something about his expression gave Dick a horrible suspicion.

“Jason. Are you hurting yourself?”

When he didn’t respond, Dick angled his head up, heart clenching at the look of abject misery on Jason’s face.

“I’m sorry!” He let out a sob, tears welling in his eyes. “I don’t mean to! I’ll stop. I promise I’ll stop!”

“Shh.” Dick curled around him, letting Jason cling and bury his face in the crook of Dick’s neck. “It’s okay, sweetheart. It’ll be okay. We’ll fix it together, all right?”

Jason was slow to calm down, but when his sobs quieted, Dick knew he had to continue.

“Jason, baby. I need you to show me how you hurt yourself. I need to know what to look out for.”

Pulling back a bit, Jason shifted where he was still leaning against Dick’s chest, then slowly gripped his forearm. No. Not gripped. He had his fingers curved in, lightly pressing his nails to his skin.

Dick instantly felt guilty for thinking it, but his first thought was ‘thank fuck.’ He’d thought Jason had found something more dangerous, but clawing was a pretty standard method of self-comfort in subs who dropped frequently, as well as—shit—biting. Jason chewed on his lip damn near constantly. He’d have to keep an eye on that.

He reached down, pulling Jason’s hand away from where his nails were pressing into skin around the knots still decorating his arms. Lifting Jason’s hand, he pressed a kiss to each of Jason’s fingers.

“From now on,” he whispered against Jason’s hand, “if you feel a drop coming, or feel like you deserve to be hurt, I want you to find me and tell me. Even if I’m at work, you have permission to call me. Actually, I order you to call me. If you hurt yourself on accident, because it’s a habit, I want you to tell me. You won’t be in trouble, but I want to make sure it gets cleaned and bandaged so you don’t get an infection. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Sir.” Jason still sounded miserable, but he nodded his head against Dick’s chest and didn’t try to pull away. 

“Good.” Dick combed his fingers through Jason’s hair, letting his head thunk back against the armrest. 

“Sir?” Jason asked hesitantly.

“Yes?” 

“Are you going to punish me?”

And damn it all, that was really the question. Dick knew the answer, he just didn’t  _ like _ the answer. 

“You lied to me, Jay. You lied about what you needed, and what I needed to do in order to keep you stable. I didn’t have all the information, and as a result I hurt you. No, hush. Just listen.” Dick cut off Jason’s interruption before it could even begin. “I didn’t give you proper aftercare last time, and that’s on me. I knew something was off, and should have investigated. If I hadn’t pushed today, I still wouldn’t know, and that would have hurt you too.” He took a deep breath, blowing it out as a plan formulated in his mind. “So yes, Jason. I’m going to punish you. I have to make sure that you understand how important this is, and that you’ve learned.”

Jason nodded dejectedly against his chest, taking a shuddering inhale. “How many?”

“What?”

“How many strikes?”

Dick was completely thrown by the question, and twisted around so he could look Jason in the eye. 

Jason must have seen his confusion, because he continued with, “I can take a lot, but… it helps if I know how many at the start.”

Dumbfounded, it was all Dick could do to create words that made sense in reply. “Jason, just because it’s a punishment doesn’t mean I’m going to hit you.” Making Jason hurt because he was hurting himself would give the exact opposite message Dick wanted him to learn, but the blank look on Jason’s face was not promising. “You’ve had punishments that didn’t hurt before, right?”

“But… it’s punishment?”

“Oh, sweetheart.” Dick pulled Jason back down, twisting so that he was sandwiched between Dick and the back of the couch. “Punishments are just things that you’d rather not do or experience in order to reinforce a lesson. They don’t have to hurt. In fact, most studies show that punishments not involving pain are more effective in actually learning from the mistake, whereas pain tends to instill a fear response. It can still be effective, but good doms keep it varied.” 

“Oh.” Jason sounded so lost, Dick couldn’t help but engage ‘full octopus mode’ as Babs liked to call it.

“Your punishment is going to be spending the next seven days going to seven different places. You get to pick the destinations, and you can double up if you want to spend a day or two staying home. Run them by me to make sure they’re safe, but you may want to pick places that are nearby, because I want you to go alone.”

“That… doesn’t really sound like a punishment.”

Dick snorted at Jason’s analysis, because he wasn’t wrong. “No, your punishment is going to be writing five hundred words per location on the dom-sub interactions you witness. I want you to see how other subs act around doms, be it their significant other, a cashier, or even someone they accidentally bumped into.”

“What if there aren’t any subs out?”

“There will be.” Subs may not have the same rights as everyone else, but they weren’t shut up and hidden out of sight like the days of old.

“I start tomorrow?”

“Nope. You can pick locations tomorrow, but we’re going to stay in because you scared me and now I get to mother-hen you for twenty-four hours.”

Jason huffed a laugh, pressing closer to Dick. “I really am sorry,” he said quietly. “I thought… I thought I was being good.”

“I know.” Dick pressed a kiss to Jason’s hair. “But now you know better, and we’ll work on it, okay? There might be some hiccups, but we’ll get through them together.”

“Thank you, Dick.” Jason’s voice was thick with emotion, and it gave Dick hope that the message was really sinking in.

“That’s what I’m here for. Now hush, we’re taking a nap.”

He could feel Jason smile against his chest. “We literally just woke up from a nap.”

“Doesn’t count. It’s a universal rule that emotional talks must be followed by naps. Everyone knows that.”

“You just made that up.”

“Nuh uh, I’m sleeping.” Dick let out a fake snore, grinning widely when he felt Jason’s shoulders shaking in laughter. 

With the promise that everything would work out, against all odds, they both fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Also, let me know if you need a translation of Tim's text speak. I tried to make it... not horrific, but I'm more than happy to give you regular English if you need it XD)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: This chapter deals with some unhealthy eating patterns/disorders, and Jason has a flashback related to that (that also involves some abuse/implied non-con). Hit me up if you need more details, but the disordered eating stuff won't last too much longer if you're worried. <3 
> 
> Enjoy!

Jason drummed his fingers on the sides of his mug, trying to watch the people around him without being too obvious. He’d been in the cafe for a grand total of twenty minutes, and all he’d learned was that Dick was wrong. There weren’t any other subs around, not that he could see. 

He’d thought for a moment that the blonde girl across the room had been a sub. The fancy choker she was wearing could easily be a contracted collar, except she’d greeted her friend with a kiss on the cheek and paid for her own drink after ordering for herself. It was odd, to say the least, especially since her friend was the dommiest dom he’d ever seen and wouldn't have let the girl assert her independence like that if she really was a sub. His only guess was that she might be an s-leaning switch or a null embracing the freedom of no longer having a dynamic. 

There wasn’t a single person kneeling in the entire cafe, or even sitting on the floor in front of the armchairs near the window. Sure, it wasn’t unheard of for subs to sit at an equal level to others in a group setting without their dom present, but to not see a single one in the entire cafe? It made Jason feel like an imposter, like he was intruding on the happiness and freedom of people he shouldn’t even look at. 

Every time someone walked by, he ducked his chin into his hoodie, trying to hide the plain black collar around his throat. It felt heavier than normal. 

Usually that was reassuring, a visible claim that he belonged to Dick, and that someone would come after him if he went missing. Now? Now it just marked him as a second-class citizen around a crowd of people who had real lives.

He lasted thirty more minutes, then gulped down the rest of his cold tea, dropped the mug in the dirty dish bin, and left. Dick was wrong, and Jason had no idea what he was supposed to learn from watching normal people interact. Jason wasn’t normal; he was a sub. There was a difference.

* * *

Dinner was already on the table when Dick walked through the front door, which was strange given that Jason was supposed to have been out today.

The sub in question was, as usual, on his knees in front of the entryway, but the way he was glaring at the floor was in no way submissive. 

“Hi, Jason.” Dick brushed his fingers against Jason’s shoulder, relieved when he quickly pushed himself to his feet. “How was your day?”

“You were wrong.” The words came out in a rush, and didn’t make any sense even after Jason continued. “There weren’t any—I was the only one.” Jason was looking at him with an expression Dick had never seen before, but it looked… Jason looked hurt. 

“The only what?”

“The only sub. I was the only sub, and I was there for an hour.” Jason reached up and ran a hand through his hair, gripping it tightly and pulling. “I was the only sub, and you said there would be others, but there weren’t.”

Dick nodded slowly, trying to put together what he was missing. No  _ way _ had Jason been the only sub out. Not on a weekday during business hours. “How do you know that you were the only one?”

Jason threw his hands up. “Everyone was—! No one knelt, everyone ordered their own food and drinks, and the cafe didn’t even  _ offer _ kneeling pillows. I was the only person wearing a collar.” He spat the word out, which was unusual. Jason was normally pretty fond of his collars. “There were a couple people with, like, necklaces, but they sure as hell didn’t act like subs.”

Humming, Dick did everything in his power to not start cheering. This was exactly what he’d been hoping Jason would realize, but it wouldn’t help if Jason felt like Dick was mocking him. “You know, most people aren’t into 24/7 scening. Most of the subs I’ve been around are submissive during a scene, but generally not outside of it. Sure, there’re some people who are really into living the life, and you see more of that if you go to high society events or fancy restaurants, but the general public doesn’t have the time or money for that. 24/7 scening just isn’t practical for the average person, and unless they’re really traditional and conservative, most people just don’t want that. Most subs have part-time jobs in customer service, and they have lives outside of their doms.”

Jason’s breathing had gone shaky, and Dick knew that he’d caught on, knew that Jason was trying to deny it. “But, the collars…”

“You have a guardianship collar. Those are standard and bulky and frankly not that common. Subs in contracts or still at home with their parents—actually, let me show you.” Dick pulled out his phone, quickly searching ‘contract collars.’

The image results hosted a wide range of options ranging from fancy posture collars to simple lace chokers with a metal information plate. The web results, however, showed that the number one choice for contract collars last year was woven metal with the tag at the back, something that could easily be mistaken for a regular necklace. 

“Does that look familiar?”

Jason didn’t say anything, but after a long moment he nodded. 

“All subs have to wear collars in public, and there has to be a tag somewhere on it with their dom’s contact information. Some of the collars are chipped too, so the information is displayed when scanned, but if there’s no tag the collar has to be wide enough for the information to be displayed on the inside, like yours.”

Jason stayed silent, frozen next to him.

“Listen,” Dick said softly, “there’s no more deadline on this. I’m retracting the seven day limit. You can take as long as you need to write out your observations, but I do want you to go out again tomorrow. It’s not going to be fun, it’s not supposed to be, but I think it’s the best way for you to learn more about how the real world works.”

Jason sucked in a shuddering breath, and Dick didn’t realize Jason was crying until he looked up at him with wet cheeks. “I don’t know if I can do it. I can’t be like that, Dick, I  _ can’t. _ I’m not… I don’t know how to be a person without being a sub. I lived the 24/7 for my entire life. I looked at a girl today and thought she was a switch because she acted like she owned herself. I don’t even know who I am without a dom telling me. How am I supposed to act like that?”

Well, fuck. Dick had suspected as much, but he hadn’t anticipated Jason figuring it out so quickly. He’d thought that Jason would need a few more days of observation to realize that he could be a person and a submissive and not just one or the other. “So that means you’re a blank slate, right? And you get to figure out who you want to be, instead of who you think I want you to be,” he said, trying to lighten the mood by playfully nudging Jason’s shoulder. He really wanted to pull him into a hug, but Dick got the feeling that wouldn’t be appropriate.

Jason was staring at him like a deer in the headlights, and yeah. It looked like Dick had guessed right this time. 

“That’s part of what I want you to learn here,” he explained. “I don’t want you to act any one way. I want you to figure out who you want to be, and how to get there. I’ll help you as much as I can, but in order for that to work you need to be honest with me and have a bit more confidence in yourself. It’ll take a while, but it’ll be worth it in the end, right?”

Jason sucked in a long, slow breath, clearly struggling, but eventually muttered, “Yeah.” He sounded more skeptical than optimistic, but Dick could pick and choose his battles. 

“All right. Do you want to try and write down your thoughts about today? Or just start over tomorrow?”

Jason hesitated. “Can I start writing tonight, but still start over tomorrow? I don’t know if I can write a thousand words in a day if I have to go to two places tomorrow.”

Dick waved it off. “I removed the time limit, remember? Updated punishment: visit seven different places and write five hundred words each about the dom-sub interactions you see there. Sound good?”

“Yeah.” Jason still sounded a little shaky.

“Cool.” Clapping his hands together, Dick tried to lift the mood a little. “Now, what did you make for dinner? Because it smells amazing, and I’m starving.”

Jason took a second to collect himself, then led the way into the dining room. It felt like the start of success. A very painful, very tiny first step of a huge growing process, but Jason was talking to him, communicating for real instead of trying to predict Dick’s wishes, and that was a big deal. With any luck, there wouldn’t be too many setbacks from here on out.

* * *

Jason handed the redhead behind the counter five dollars. Dick had given him an allowance for his outings, and it was a bit surreal that no one even blinked at him for it. This entire event was more of an eye-opener than he’d anticipated, but the one bonus was that he’d found somewhere to spend time outside of the apartment. 

The cafe he’d visited that first day proved to be the perfect location to sit down and write out what he’d seen during his excursions, and he’d taken to bringing a book or two with him, if only to enjoy the ambiance for a little while longer.

The woman—who was definitely a dom—handed him back his change and a plastic number to put on his table. He only ever ordered tea, not able to stomach the idea of eating food without his dom’s permission, and similarly unable to build up the confidence and  _ ask, _ but he tried not to worry about it. Dick would probably be very understanding… Jason just had to work himself up to it, was all.

He claimed a little corner table and set out his notebook, settling in to spend the next hour or two writing. 

A note stuck to the back of the table number caught his eye, and he pulled it closer to inspect.

‘If you feel unsafe at home, or uncomfortable with any of the people in your group, please place this on its side and we will talk to you separately from your group to help you find somewhere safe to go.’

At the bottom was the number for an abuse hotline, and it made Jason feel warm that strangers cared about each other enough to do things like this. He put the number back on the edge of the table, firmly upright, and started listing out the different people he’d observed at the park that morning.

“Excuse me?”

He looked up, surprised that it was the same woman that had taken his order. A quick glance revealed that a hulking giant of a man had taken her place at the register.

“Here’s your tea.” She held out the cup, looking between him and the number resting on the edge of the table.

“Thank you.” He swallowed the automatic ‘ma’am’ and accepted the mug. 

“Can I sit down for a moment?”

Jason stiffened in alarm, giving her a wary look. He raised his chin, making sure that his collar was clearly visible. When she didn’t react, he ducked his head and shrugged, nodding. Pulling his notebook closer, he prepared for the very real possibility that he’d need to make a quick escape.

She pulled out the chair across from him, sitting down stiffly. “My name is Artemis. I’m the owner of Shim’Tar’s Coffee and Treats. I won’t waste your time, but I wasn’t sure if you had seen the message we have on some of the table numbers.” She picked up the plastic card, tapping the note on the back of it. “We have connections with lawyers specializing in domestic and contract affairs, shelters, and guardianship programs. If you feel unsafe in your current situation, I can connect you with the resources to get out. You don’t need to feel trapped.”

It took him a second to really understand what she was saying, and then he nearly burst out laughing because she had gotten it so right, yet oh so wrong. He felt better, though, knowing she was here trying to help him instead of being creepy or kicking him out of the cafe. “Thank you for asking, but I’m all right.”

She raised an eyebrow that told him exactly how much she didn’t believe him.

“Really.” His lips twitched into a half-smile. “I was in a bad situation for a long time, but I’m good now. My d—” He cleared his throat. “My guardian, he’s a good guy. Better than I’ve ever met before. I promise.”

She didn’t look all that convinced with how tightly her lips were pursed together, but she nodded once, sharply. “It’s good that you are out of that situation, I know that that can be hard.”

Jason bit back a smile, because she most definitely did  _ not _ know, but he could appreciate the sentiment.

“Why, then, do you spend hours here every day? You’re welcome to, of course, but we were concerned that you felt like you needed to escape.”

Embarrassment clawed at him, because no sub liked to talk about their punishments, especially with people who were essentially strangers. He picked at the corner of his notebook. “I have… homework. My guardian wanted me to get out of the house and explore the area, and I thought that this was a good place to write down what I’d learned before going home.”

A quick glance up showed an amused smile playing at her lips. “Well then. I am glad that you’ve found this place somewhere you can relax. Sorry for misunderstanding the situation, but I hope you are comfortable returning again in the future.”

He nodded, mumbling a quiet, “Of course.”

“I wish you a pleasant afternoon.” She nodded decisively, then she pushed herself up, walking away from the table. 

Jason was left feeling a bit lost, wondering at the strange interaction, but also feeling a little bit giddy that he’d managed to have a coherent conversation with a dom he didn’t know, who also wasn’t an asshole. It was surreal, and was absolutely going to be included in his reflection. Dick was sure to get a kick out of this.

* * *

Jason watched Dick sprawl out on the couch, the dom’s attention split between the TV and his phone. 

They’d found a new rhythm ever since the incident with the ropes, but honestly not much had changed. It was  _ Jason _ who’d changed. He felt… different. More confident. Less afraid to start conversations, safe in the knowledge that if Dick had to punish him again in the future, it wouldn’t come out of nowhere and he wouldn’t be left wondering where he’d gone wrong. 

He felt… Well, he felt kind of free.

Shaking himself back to the present, Jason made his way towards the couch and took a seat next to Dick without asking. Dick wasn’t startled by it in the slightest, and swung his legs up onto the couch to tuck his toes under Jason’s thigh in a move that was becoming normal.

When Dick kept typing on his phone, Jason cleared his throat.

Dick raised his eyes and looked at Jason with a smile. “You good?”

Jason nodded, then held out his notebook.

The placid smile on Dick’s face morphed into an excited grin. “Yeah? Are you done?” He tucked away his phone and took the notebook, flipping it open.

“I think so.”

Dick paged through the book, scanning the different entries that Jason had spent almost two weeks agonizing over. “This is fantastic! Even better than I was expecting.” He looked up, catching Jason’s eye.  _ “Excellent _ job, Jason. I am seriously so proud of you.”

Jason looked down at his lap, blushing at the praise. He’d done what Dick had asked, that was all. And yeah, maybe he’d written well over five hundred words for most of his excursions, but he’d learned more per day than five hundred words could describe.

“You know what? I think this deserves a reward.”

Jason glanced up, startled. He was being rewarded? For finishing a punishment??

Dick took one look at him and nodded firmly. “Yup. Reward. I don’t think we’ve gone out to eat since I took you to the library, so how about we go out tonight? Do you like hibachi?”

“I… don’t think I know what hibachi is,” Jason admitted.

A mischievous spark entered Dick’s eye. “Oh man, you’re going to love it.”

* * *

Jason tried to keep up with Dick as they followed the hostess, but his attention was being pulled in so many directions he hardly knew where to look. The walls were a rich cream color, decorated with artwork heavy on the reds and blacks. His eyes were drawn to the graceful swooping lines, which somehow formed complex paintings out of minimal lines. 

The lights were low, and the dining area to their left had a large piece of lattice hanging near the ceiling with vines of fake ivy drooping down low. It looked like the sort of magical setting that he’d read about in romance novels, and there were more than a few couples eating quietly under the fairy lights. He even spotted a few subs kneeling on pillows being hand fed bits of rice and meat. Bigger groups shared platters of food, laughing and passing dishes around for one another to try, and he nearly bumped into the wall trying to see what the rice rolled in the dark stuff was.

They passed into the next room, and everything was suddenly so much louder. Every table was actually a stove, and he watched one of the chefs throw an egg up into his hat for no discernable reason. The hostess seated them at a table with three other people and placed a menu in front of both Jason and Dick.

He was a bit nervous about ordering for himself, but Dick gave him an encouraging smile and he flipped the menu open. He didn’t know what half the words meant, but the prices were well above anything he’d ever seen before. Was Dick really willing to pay this much for Jason’s reward? It felt like too much. 

Dick leaned forward, speaking loudly to be heard over the din of voices. “Have you ever had sushi before?”

Jason shook his head.

“That’s okay, I’ll pick one out for us to share!” He reached over and flipped Jason’s menu to the last page. “This is the hibachi menu, you can pick anything you’d like—and I do mean anything. Don’t worry about the price, okay?”

It was literally impossible for Jason to not worry about prices, but he’d try. He smiled at Dick, then started reading through the new page of options. There weren’t quite as many things listed out, and the words were actually mostly English, so he was better able to understand what was being described. 

Some of the seafood options sounded interesting, but the prices were significantly higher, so when the waitress came around for their orders he just got the chicken hibachi, switching his side to fried rice at Dick’s suggestion. 

It was hard to make conversation in the noisy room, but they didn’t have to wait long for their chef to arrive. 

He wheeled a cart up next to the stove-half of the table, giving them a wave before flicking on the vent and cleaning the metal surface.

Jason sat in awe as he flipped and twisted his cooking utensils, tossing them up in the air and clanging them against the stove. It was impressive and incredible, and he felt like he was watching a magic show instead of someone who was about to cook his dinner. 

The chef made a volcano out of onions, and the fire was big and hot enough that Jason felt a little singed around the edges. 

“How did he do that?” Jason whisper-shouted to Dick.

“Alcohol! It’s really flammable and burns off quickly, so you get the big reaction without actually burning the food.”

The chef dumped a bunch of vegetables on the stove, spreading them out and adding salt and pepper.

“You!” The chef pointed at Jason. “You want a snack?”

Jason looked at Dick with wide eyes. What was he supposed to say?

Dick leaned in, explaining, “He’ll throw a piece at you, and you have to catch it in your mouth.”

“Oh, god.” Jason winced, then nodded. Why not give it a go?

A piece of broccoli came at him faster than he expected, bouncing off his cheek and landing on the floor before he could even open his mouth all the way.

The chef laughed good-naturedly and gestured for Jason to try again. This time the broccoli hit his chin and landed on his lap, but at least he could pick it up and eat it this time.

Dick bounced in his seat when it was his turn, leaning forward eagerly while the chef readied a piece of zucchini. He chucked it at Dick, and Jason could instantly tell it wasn’t well aimed, arcing up much too high for Dick to catch.

He underestimated Dick’s competitiveness, however, and watched the dom topple backwards heels over head to catch the little vegetable. 

The chair clattered down loud enough that the table behind them looked over in worry, but Dick popped back up before anyone could try to help him. 

He raised his hands in triumph, smile a little green around the edges as he chewed on his piece of zucchini. Everyone cheered and clapped, and Jason was left wondering how he’d ended up with a dom who was such a wonderful dork. He felt light and happy enough that he actually leaned over and said it once Dick had righted his chair.

“You are such a dork.”

Dick burst out laughing, draping his arm around Jason’s shoulders and pulling him into a half-hug. “Yup! And you’re stuck with me, so you’d better get used to it.”

Jason leaned into the embrace with a grin. At this point, he was pretty sure that  _ Dick _ was the one who was stuck with  _ him. _ He wasn’t just biding time until he could become a null anymore. He was actually enjoying life on the day to day, enjoying Dick’s care and creativity and spirit. Maybe being a sub wasn’t so bad, as long as he could be Dick’s sub.

* * *

Jason glared at the box of takeout on the counter.

“It’s not Dick’s. It’s  _ mine,” _ he told himself again. His leftovers from his reward dinner. Dick didn’t want or expect these, because they were Jason’s, damnit. 

But Dick had gotten called into work on the weekend and wouldn’t get home until dinner, so Jason was left alone without explicit instructions for lunch. Eating versus not eating was different from the ‘don’t hurt yourself’ rule, but he knew that not eating for extended periods of time  _ could _ be harmful and now his brain was a mess of conflict. He already skipped lunches throughout the week, but Dick hadn’t given him permission to eat without supervision. True, Dick hadn’t denied him food yet, but the dom always served Jason’s starting portion at mealtime, and his brain revolted at the idea of doing it himself. He had no claim to Dick’s belongings, including Dick’s food, but… this wasn’t Dick’s.

The fact of the matter was that he was hungry. He was hungry most days, but he’d gotten used to eating lunch on Saturdays, and the food last night had tasted amazing. He wanted it. He just wasn’t sure if he was allowed to have it.

“Fuck it, it’s my reward.” He grabbed a spoon, looking at the pile of rice and vegetables and chicken like it was an enemy and he needed a plan of attack. 

Scooping up a spoonful of the cold rice, he shoved it in his mouth and chewed, swallowing without letting himself think about it too much. When nothing bad immediately happened, he carefully scooped up a piece of chicken, glaring at it as it sat innocently before him. He raised it up and placed the spoon in his mouth, carefully chewing and actually allowing himself to savor the muted flavors. It wasn’t nearly as good as it’d been last night, but still new and different from anything he’d eaten in recent memory.

This was okay. He could do it, Dick wasn’t going to be upset, this was— 

_ “You selfish fucking bitch!” The dom hits him again, smashing his fist against the already bruised flesh on Jason’s cheek. “I’m the dom here, me! Not you! If you need something, I give it to you. If I don’t give you something, it means you don’t fucking need it—you don’t try and ask for it!” _

_ Jason curls up, trying to protect his stomach and ribs when the dom starts kicking at him. _

_ “You’re a waste of space as is, why the fuck would I dump more fucking money into you?! You want something to eat, boy?”  _

_ The threat in the dom’s voice makes him look up in alarm, horror spreading thick and cold in his gut when he spots the condom and the bright red bottle of hot sauce. _

_ “I’ll give you something to fucking eat.” _

Jason heaved into the sink, gagging and choking and trying not to throw up. His throat was on fire with phantom pain, the memory of it carved into his flesh. 

He rested his forearms on the counter, head hanging between them as he stared down at the floor. Tears gathered in his eyes and dripped down his nose to join the rice spilled across the floor.

“Why am I so fucking broken?” he whispered, allowing himself just one moment of weakness. He could fall apart now, then clean up before Dick got home. He’d have to talk to Dick. He couldn’t survive in this limbo much longer.


End file.
